My life before Redemption. There’s a saying that what we focus on, we elevate. And before we know it, what’s nurtured grows to choke out any seeds of God’s light and truth, hindering or derailing our walk. Throughout my life, if you had asked who I am in the Lord, I couldn’t tell you. Instead of Christ being the center of my world and the foundation of my identity, my life and identity revolved around cosmetics. Instead of releasing control to God in surrender, cosmetics were my way of having control, controlling how people saw me. I put more effort into my appearance than I did into inner beauty and character development. I was more concerned with feeling secure behind its mask, as if to say, “In makeup I trust,” than with building my faith and trust in God.
Throughout my nearly two-decade marriage, my husband did not see me without a stitch of makeup on. Nor did he realize that under it all was an unsaved heart. Instead of seeking to be hidden in Christ, I would hide in the bathroom for hours a day till fully done up. I even slept in it, which mirrored a deep fear of being exposed, spiritually and otherwise, to show an unfaithful heart. Instead of relying on Christ, I relied on makeup and my looks to get what I wanted. Instead of being empowered by God, I relied on makeup for empowerment. Instead of allowing myself to be led by God, covered in Jesus’ righteousness and beauty, I was led further into sin by vanity fueled by the wearing of makeup. Instead of being rich in Christ as a joint heir with Him, being born again into an inheritance that can never perish, vanity only led to poverty.
Instead of raising standards such as Heavenly mindedness, it ended up working to lower my standards morally. Instead of Christ being my confidence, cosmetics were. While I looked to makeup to soften my appearance, my heart was hard and bitter in need of God’s healing Balm of Gilead. Makeup gave me a sense of completeness, while blinding me to the fact that I was a broken vessel in need of restoration. And while I thought I found freedom in it, I was oblivious to the fact that I was in bondage, under the power of sin, in desperate need of Jesus to have redemption and know true freedom that is found only in Him. The fact is, for over three decades, instead of being covered by the blood of Jesus, I was covered in cosmetics.
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised.” Prov 31:30 NLT
“Your adornment must not be merely external—with interweaving and elaborate knotting of the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or [being superficially preoccupied with] dressing in expensive clothes; but let it be [the inner beauty of] the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, [one that is calm and self-controlled, not overanxious, but serene and spiritually mature] which is very precious in the sight of God.” 1 Peter 3:3-4 AMP
My life after Redemption? God has been helping me to shift my focus and priorities from self to Him. He is showing me the value of adorning my heart vs my obsession with outer beauty. And He has shown me that despite my dark past, He has embraced me as His daughter, loving me beyond the world’s love, and instead teaching me agape love. He has been working to teach me self-acceptance through the softening of scars and healing of old wounds, a distorted reflection of myself produced through trauma. He has been teaching me to love and trust Him as my Heavenly Father. He has been teaching me that if I seek Him with all my heart, He will be found. Teaching me to let go of my need for control and what it means to trust in surrender, allowing Him to move and work through. God has been teaching me the meaning and value of sacrifice for the One who sacrificed, trading all for me, to find joy in the participation of His suffering. And that in the dying-to-self process, it means less of me to have more of Him.
He has been teaching me what it means to have a relationship with Him. God is working to help me to go deeper with Him, to leave surface-level Bible study behind. He is teaching me what it is to rely on Him and the safety and peace of obedience. Teaching me to be still and listen. To declutter my mind and life to better walk the straight and narrow way. Teaching me to discern His voice. He has been teaching me that I cannot trust in my gifts or abilities. That I cannot lean unto my own understanding, and that every thought or perceived emotion needs to be evaluated as to its source. God is teaching me self-control vs my old life lacking restraint.
He delivered me from demonic inhabitation and oppression, and is teaching me to use the Believer’s Authority. He healed me from cancer, and has been teaching how to put faith into practice to receive healing and to hang onto it. He has broken off spiritual attachments and is helping me close doors that need to be closed and walk through new ones. He has also been showing me my heart and is working on areas of my life that need to be cleansed, pruned, and realigned. He is working to redeem the time, a divine reversal and return of what the locusts have eaten, restoration. He has given grace after grace in the saving of my marriage, and is helping me to reestablish trust in the relationship as I learn to value his leadership and know my place in the spiritual hierarchy. He has been helping me to face my fears and is teaching me the value of humility and gratitude. God has been breaking me of old religious habits and routines as He cannot be restricted to our setting of schedules.
It wasn’t, “I’m saved, and we’re done”. No. It’s been a two-year process so far in leading to a changed perspective amidst seasons of growing pains, battle, and seasons of refreshing, as my mindset and behaviors are being changed through Christ. Instead of my way or the highway, the Lord is teaching me to seek His way. God is teaching me to be thankful for every season, as He has rescued me and shown me there is only before life and after, before Him and after. The Lord has shown me how far the depths of His grace and mercy will reach, His faithfulness through decades of rebellion, where I took Him for granted and used grace as a license to sin. He is teaching me the reverential fear of the Lord and respect for authority. He is teaching me how to delight in the Lord. He is teaching me that His grace is sufficient, that the blood of Jesus covers all. He has shown me through surrender that He is a good God, and not like the warped perception I had my entire life, a view distorted through trauma. And through it all, He is helping me to let go of my past to refocus on Him and His promise to give me a hope and a future.
Note: I am not condemning the wearing of makeup; I am just sharing that, for me personally, there were driving factors behind it throughout my life. And through a season of healing, the Lord has been giving revelation, a behind-the-scenes glimpse as to the spirit operating and the origin of my obsessive need to “fix” the perceived distorted reflection.
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