“He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.” Psalm 23:3
Today, I wanted to talk about a promise God had given me in 2012, and again reminded me of in 2020, that has now been fulfilled. A promise given to me while I was backslidden. In airing out my laundry, I hope to show the incredible faithfulness of God, even when we have not been faithful to Him. Over and over, I took advantage of His love and kindness, used grace as a license to sin, disregarded His help, ignored and rebelled against His warnings, had issues with His authority, and took His blessings lightly. Yet, He did not give up on me.
Perhaps the great love of God, despite my repeated failures and betrayals, will bring encouragement to someone who thinks they’ve gone too far for God to forgive them. I doubt many have heard a testimony like this one! While this is not my full life testimony, I did want to focus on this segment of my life with secret infidelity and how, though God knew every detail, He never stopped loving me. And never stopped trying to draw me unto Himself.
Going back to 2012, while I wasn’t a Holy Spirit-filled, born-again, fully surrendered Christian, I had been baptized a few years prior and certainly knew enough of the Bible to know right and wrong. Despite the fact that I was on the wrong path, God was still gracious and merciful to send someone to my job with a direct answer to a desperate prayer. Being I already have a post on what that prayer was about, I will only mention one of the promises made to me. Though I did not understand what He was saying at the time, God had said it was time to close doors and promised to restore me. But as I fell further and further into old patterns of behavior, it would be 13 years before that promise would be clear to me and confirmed fulfilled. One look at my life and it’s clear to see that God is faithful to keep His promises!
With that being said, I’m just going to pull back the curtain. I betrayed both God and my husband. I have lived an adulterous life, being unfaithful to my husband 7 times, counting before and after we were married. These instances included physically, emotionally, and in my heart, as God looks at motives and intentions. And He knows of every mental fantasy and hidden indiscretion of the heart. And even if it never materializes, it’s still considered adultery in His eyes. He is a faithful God, so faithfulness is no small matter to Him. In Matt 5:27-28, Jesus clarified the commandment regarding, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Backing up to before I met my husband, I had reached a point in my life where I threw my hands up, asking God to help me, saying, “Let’s do things Your way”, and for Him to choose for me because nothing I was doing was working. No matter who I chose, regardless of how different one person seemed from another, the outcome was always the same, with me being the common denominator. I needed help. Me. I was depressed and going through spiritual torment, and was ready to end it all. Not only that, there was also a sickness I was dealing with. Not only did God step in to remove the torment and heal the sickness, but God also chose for me.
God chose someone who had a relationship with Him. Someone on the opposite spectrum from how I had grown up and lived. And not only that, he showed his character in asking me if it would be ok to wait till marriage. This was different. So, we started dating, with the first month spent chatting online. That progressed to finally meeting in person, and an old-fashioned courtship. It was refreshing to meet someone like that! But though I wanted a fresh start, I had trouble pulling away from my old ways and was still dating others in the beginning stages. I needed a change of heart from old patterns that were bent on destroying my life. Upon conviction, I started dating him exclusively, and after a year of old-fashioned courting, he popped the question, and we were married not long after.
God had turned my life around and had given me a new lease on life, and with it a sense of normalcy I had never known before. A chance to experience the other side of life. About a year in, we were baptized. And while he was filled with the Holy Spirit and committed to God, sadly, I did not have the born-again experience as I had not committed to God, nor fully surrendered. And without surrendering to Jesus and handing Him all my weaknesses and burdens for Him to carry and deliver me from, old patterns started emerging. And with a dulled conscience and hardened heart, I fell into the enemy’s trap of old behavior. Previously, I had looked for attention and acceptance in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways. So, when I started posting selfies online on my social media sites, it was just a continuation of old habits. And as much as I hate to admit it, I liked the attention from them.
There was one point where a woman contacted me on a social site to chat. I remember being taken aback as she said she had seen a spirit of witchcraft in my pictures. And for years afterwards, that comment would come to mind as I wondered what she meant. Now, looking back, I can see that God was trying to get my attention to call me unto repentance and return to Him. I had asked for help in changing my life from old ways that led me to be an unfaithful person in dysfunctional relationships. But here I was, well on my way to living life my way again.
Years later, I stumbled onto 1 Sam 15:23, referencing Israel’s King Saul, “Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft, and stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols. So because you have rejected the command of the LORD, he has rejected you as king.” King Saul had not surrendered to God and only partially obeyed Him, living life his way even though God had chosen and anointed him to be King. But partial obedience to God’s word is still disobedience in God’s eyes. Just as partial faithfulness is being unfaithful. And partially committed is being uncommitted.
Sure, there were things I did right after asking God to intervene in my life, such as listening to Christian music and the audio Bible. I was watching Christian content, and even did some Bible study. I even fed and clothed those less fortunate. On the surface, I appeared to be a believer. Even my husband told me years later that he thought that I was a born-again spirit-filled Christian. But being partially obedient to live life my way did not mean I was a true believer. Being lukewarm is equal to holding back.
Biblically speaking, the word believe is an action word. We believe in Jesus and then act to follow after Him. Accepting Jesus as both our Lord and Savior means we surrender everything to Him to live a new life in Him and through Him, leaving our dead lives behind. In throwing my hands up, asking God to help me out of a situation, and saying that He could choose for me, but then stubbornly not letting go of control, was an act of rebellion and disobedience, equal to witchcraft, as it was rejecting God’s authority. And in placing my will above God’s will, I was committing idolatry.
Little did I know that my obsession with selfies would lead to actions that were detrimental to my marriage and further the divide with God. Although I did not have a personal relationship with Him, God had helped me, giving me a good life, stability, a beautiful home, a career, and a husband who loved me. Years later, as God was leading me in a different direction to wake me up, I was convicted to get rid of the majority of my selfies. Letting go of decades of pictures was extremely difficult! They had a hold on me. I even did a data recovery to try and get them back, which was so eye-opening. The addiction was rooted in pride, vanity, and lust. But before this conviction in changing my life for the better took place, they continued to be a source of issues. Of course, it was my unsaved heart that had the issues.
It all seemed to start innocently enough with people chatting online, after viewing my pics, and I did not think a lot about it. I deceived myself into thinking that I was just being friendly and sociable. But gradually, there was something inside that changed, and a pattern emerged. Chat topically, but then feel guilty. If interest was shown, I’d end the conversation and flee. Many times, I’d say, “I’m just socializing” and “I am happily married”. While it’s true that I did want friends, there were issues in developing healthy relationships and establishing boundaries to respect my marriage. Looking back, with my history of sexual immorality and adultery, and still being unsaved and undelivered, I can see how naive I was in thinking that I could do so safely. I loved my marriage, but I was blinded and still under the power of sin. So little by little, things went downhill.
This behavior progressed to searching for and emailing someone from my past, from decades prior, to see how he was doing. After some online conversations, he ended up wanting to make the trip to see me, but I backed off, drawing the line. Meanwhile, the line was already crossed in reaching out to him, to begin with! I wish I could say that I ended this type of behavior. But the enemy is always looking for another angle to draw us deeper into sin as he sets up strongholds that work to steer us.
This continued pattern of behavior sadly progressed into a sticky situation, which initially started as me wanting to donate to someone and his family overseas in a difficult situation, hoping to provide a measure of relief. Looking back, I would have never actually spoken with him. Just donate and be done. But nope. Not Sunny! It started innocently, but then my pictures entered the equation, and that was it. And if that was not bad enough, I found out months in that he and his wife were expecting! Yet despite that, conversations carried on, and it was 6 months until this emotional affair ended. God was trying to get through to me and convict me throughout, as I heard warnings in sermons and teachings that cut to the heart. The warnings were coming from everywhere!
The thing is, the enemy knew I had a calling on my life. So as time went by, the attempts to lure me into sin became more bold and blatant. It got to a point of being ridiculous with people chasing after me and trying to ask me out or invite me to go on vacation with them. If I told them I’m happily married, I would be pursued all the more. They were coming after me from every direction, especially in the years leading up to God taking drastic measures to save me from myself. Things were coming to a head, and I knew that I had to make a choice, recognizing how my behavior and those pictures were getting me into situations. I needed help. God’s help.
Somewhere in the midst of all this, my husband was told by God to leave everything behind and move to another country to “walk on water” and to “go deeper with Him”. I was upset, still clinging to my life of comfort, a secure job, and all the things that I had. He kept praying for confirmation and kept getting the response to move, so we started the process and visited the country. But I was angry and agitated over it, and my attitude was just rotten. At nearly 50, I did not want to leave my life behind. It was like my life was being stripped of everything to expose the faulty foundation. But God is gracious and gave me a year to let it all sink in and agree. I still did not want to move, but proceeded. I had a host of issues to be dealt with in being a lukewarm “Christian” headed for hell without a personal relationship with God, and He had to do something drastic to get my attention to save my soul.
Fast forward to about a year into my pursuit of God, it was not until this year that I finally admitted to my husband my infidelity, as God put it on my heart to tell the truth. I had been going through a season of cleansing, but in my pride and selfishness, I had pushed it off and dreaded this day. To tell him the ways I betrayed him. To see the hurt and disappointment on his face, and see the reality of what I had done, and how it affected him. So throughout this past year of trying to build a relationship with God, He has been working on me to admit my wrongs to accompany a truly repentant heart. I have been asking God to soften my heart and to rightly align my heart and mind with His, so I will not be cold in the sense of doing something and it not seem to be a big deal as our conscious gets seared with continued sin. It took several occasions to get it out, but there was a sense of relief to have the burden lifted and to tell the truth!
Going into this next section, which is quite shocking, let me preface this with how and why it all happened in the first place. I was not surrendered at the time this incident occurred. We are either surrendered or we are not. Unsurrendered means that we are not under His headship, as Christ is the head of the church, the body. If we are not surrendered to Him, we are not allowing Him to fully work in our lives to deliver and free us from past issues, spirits, or oppression that have entered through trauma or sin. And the second reason was that I was not pressing in with prayer. Like pray, then stop and listen with a pad and pen next to me, 20 min, 40 min, or even an hour to hear Him. Sometimes it is more or less. People who have a seasoned, established relationship with God often receive answers much sooner, but I am new to building a relationship with Him.
So, months before I told my husband the truth, the culmination of my life choices came to a head in an act against God, if you can believe that! Though I already did a full post on it, I will just briefly mention parts of it here, however embarrassing and shameful. That being said, there was an incident last year after I started sensing the Holy Spirit’s presence. I would start talking to Him and was getting responses back. I could feel the responses. Then there was an occasion where I received comfort from the Comforter, and it was otherworldly! And on another occasion, as I was praising God and communing with Him, I could feel waves of love wash through me. It was unlike anything on this earth!
But sadly, things went in the direction of perversion. It all happened during a short period before God called me out on it. I started having automatic body responses that I should not have in reaction to God’s love. And instead of avoiding such, pretty soon, I showed up for the experience of God’s love under the guise of praising Him. Just crazy! Then, as I did not know how to react to the body responses, I started to become intimate with my husband. The thing was, I could still feel the Holy Spirit’s presence. But disregarded and continued with my husband as if I were an exhibitionist.
The Holy Spirit was upset and angry with me and let me know, and wanted me to explain to Him why I did not feel the need to excuse myself and how I ignored Him, as I could sense He was upset with an internal shaking vibration. He said He felt used like some kind of toy and later told me that it was borderline having sex. With Him. Shocking stuff! So, needless to say, I was disciplined for about two months with the uncomfortable internal shaking vibration, and I was put on projects for God during.
And another part of my judgment was that I was not allowed to be with my husband. When he was going to lie down, I was made to get up and work on assignments. Many times throughout, I would sleep for a very short period and then be up for two days straight as a part of the discipline. After those two months, I did not know if I was coming or going! It was not until month 7 since the incident that God told me He was “restoring” me and “making new again” during a 30-day fast He put me on (which He said that He would help me through… cause He’s that good!). God also said during the fast to “love again” regarding my marriage. It’s by the grace of God that I am still married after all this mess!
One thing is for sure. I will never be the same after all this. I had such an attitude with God going into my discipline, and was rebellious against His authority. I resented the internal shaking vibration I was subject to, and even took offense at His words I was receiving. Meanwhile, I was guilty of what we find in Hebrews 10:26-30, “If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, 27 but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. 28 Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. 29 How much more severely do you think someone deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified them, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? 30 For we know him who said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” and again, “The Lord will judge his people”.
Needless to say, my view of God has changed with a newfound love and reverence. He has been the father that I never had. And has been incredibly lenient with me, showing great mercy and grace. He has been long-suffering with me throughout my life, and when His love and patience did not reach me, He had to take other measures to save my soul. It’s no wonder I was finally held accountable! He could have sentenced me to hell for what I did, but He did not cast me aside. He truly keeps His promises and is a faithful God!
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” 1 Peter 5:10
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