I’m not sure why I’m surprised to learn about studies done in relation to sexual immorality and suicide, and how there is a correlation between the two with those who are sexually active in their teens. Perhaps for some, this is not the most comfortable subject to talk about. Or perhaps, in this day and age, it’s almost laughable to label those in this age bracket who are active as sexually immoral, as it seems to be a part of the everyday norm. Even among those who are a part of the church scene. But let my life serve as a warning to others on how destructive sexual immorality is and how the two do seem to be related!
A Childhood Stolen: My Story of Trafficking
While many of us are shocked at stories of human trafficking occurring all over the world, we tend to diminish instances where it takes place within a family, right at home. This was just my life, what I knew growing up, so I did not even know the term. And even though I was in fact abducted at age 11 by someone who was not legally allowed to raise me due to his previous crimes committed against children, it did not register to me back then that I was being abducted.
Before I go any further, let me say that I have forgiven this ordeal. The only struggle I have now is discussing it in the sense of it appearing as an accusation or judgment against him. Like, perhaps I should not bring this up because the individual in question was my biological father. On the other hand, this type of common occurrence gets brushed under the rug and silenced, leaving others with similar experiences to suffer all alone.
As for the action of sexual immorality, everything we do in life starts in the heart. Our thoughts produce fruit and contain power to shape our lives. Even the world agrees, Manifest Destiny, as it’s put. Its origin is actually founded on scripture. Only, the world strips God out of the equation, robbing Him of glory. Just as the Word in the beginning contained power to bring into existence everything visible and invisible, shaping the universe, our thoughts and words do the same, as we were created in the image of God. The saying comes to mind, “with freedom comes great responsibility”. This is why we were instructed in Proverbs 4:23 to “guard our hearts above all else for all the issues of life flow from it.”
So from that, we can see more clearly that whatever we entertain and nurture grows until one day we are consumed by it. We label it addiction or weakness, but it goes much deeper. That’s the power of sin. If we don’t resist, it overcomes us. (Eph 4:19, John 8:34) And that’s what happened. This “addiction” my dad had morphed into a life obsession involving young children, even as young as infants. As far as I know, the inappropriate magazines under his bed with such content appeared to fuel whatever darkness had taken root in his heart. Ultimately, he proceeded through various avenues and efforts to make what he envisioned a reality. Essentially, to make me a breeder for him.
Though such behavior and unwanted advances took place during my early childhood, I did not know that I was being groomed or what that was. And after I completed the 5th grade, things were taken to a whole new level. He illegally took me from my legal guardians, my grandparents. We ended up living on the road, traveling from state to state in hiding while he developed plans that involved stalking and abduction attempts to “get a husband” for me, starting with my step-brother from a previous marriage. No relation, but still jarring, nonetheless, to tell an 11-year-old she’s getting married …and to someone who was a family member!
So, fast forward a few years, after all those attempts taken while living on the road failed, we ended up going back to the house where it all began. This nightmare came full circle to the same location that I was removed from years prior, when he lost legal custody. And as one could imagine, the dreams of normalcy and hope of escaping this situation faded into darkness. Much of my childhood consisted of varying levels of isolation, which progressively grew worse as his mental state further deteriorated in paranoia of getting caught, so on some level, I was accustomed to loneliness.
Set Up to Fall: How I Lost My Innocence
Take that and add to the equation his hatching an idea of putting an ad in the paper to take in troubled teen boys, under the guise of providing a healthy, safe environment and country living. This generated two replies (at different points in time). Guess what room they were put in to stay? Yep! My room. Not with either of my two brothers (who were also trapped in this situation and not immune to his grand delusions of “having 12 children” by whatever means …but that is their story) and not in the spare bedroom. Driven by his inner desires, he took it upon himself to do a mock marriage ceremony, saying we were married, and made a further remark laden with sexual undertones.
I was set up. My vulnerability involving a lifetime of loneliness and abuse was preyed upon. So, in the end, I lost my virginity in my early teens. I think I had just turned 13. When I approached my dad to try to talk to him about the situation of me losing my virginity, I was met with a cold response and eyes that I cannot forget. I felt threatened as he proceeded to tell me that I had better let the guy ____ ______ me. (Get me pregnant, to keep the language clean here.) It was difficult enough going to him, but our mother left us when we were little. And by this point, we were being isolated from family members. I had no one else to turn to.
Rock Bottom: My First Suicide Attempt
When I did not get pregnant, he brought another guy in, like rinse and repeat with the fake marriage ceremony. Looking back, I can see how this could have served as a manipulation tactic on his part to make me more comfortable with the idea and soothe my conscience, as he knew I believed in God. After returning to the home of dark memories, I had resumed reading the Bible. Something that stemmed from early childhood years of church memories. And with this being resumed, I distinctly remember my dad sneering at me, saying something to the effect of me becoming self-righteous. From the best of my recollection, it was after my pursuit to follow my moral compass that he initiated the housing of troubled teens. And with that distraction, my journey to know more about God came to a halt.
So moving along, when no pregnancy occurred, he, too, was returned to his family. But I had had enough. Next thing I knew, I punched a mirror and slashed my wrist. Was I rushed to the hospital, helped, or comforted? Nope. Instead, he was cold and even seemed agitated with me over it, and proceeded to leave me all alone. I was accustomed to a life without nurturing parental affection, but had hoped for some sympathy.
I broke down to God over that and asked Him to please forgive me for trying to take my life. And, in that moment, I felt a peace come over me from that prayer. Something tangible. I would not find out till decades later that God was, in fact, there with me in my bedroom as I cried all alone. More on that in another post. Even though I could not see a way to escape my life, I think that peace gave me hope to get through. It would be years in that old house before I was set free as an adult.
And btw, yes, he did try other measures to accomplish his desires, but God withheld his hand from me, and that line was not crossed. You might question God in all this, as to why such behavior was permitted. We tend to blame God for man’s decisions. Can God prevent all that is evil? Of course! With the removal of all freedom of choice. But as difficult as that decision must have been in creating us, the risk of our abusing freedom, God is relational and did not want to create mindless robots.
The Link Between Sexual Sin and Suicide
Looking back, I can see how that initial act of sexual immorality set the stage for my life of promiscuous behavior and how teen sexual immorality and suicide could be linked, as I would later attempt to end things several more times. I can’t speak much about it scientifically except to say that our brains are not fully developed at such a young age. And spiritually speaking, there are hidden dangers linked to such activity, as soul ties are created with each sexual encounter, bringing in spiritual baggage of whatever the other person involved is dealing with. And with these soul tie attachments could come depression, fear, addiction, and plaguing spirits ect (with one such encounter, my spiritual eyes were opened to witness such).
Think about it. Scripture says that, “The two will become one flesh.” Creation week ended with a wedding, and Adam and Eve became one flesh. A soul tie was created. We are body and spirit, so there is a connection between the physical and spiritual. And with each encounter, a spiritual union is formed. (Gen 2:24, 1 Cor 6:13-20) We tend to roll our eyes when we hear that marriage is a sacred union, and rebel against any such commitment just because, not realizing the seriousness of what we are entering into. Maybe we think we can avoid any such union by opting for a more casual or non-committed relationship, bypassing marriage altogether, but nope. That’s a union! We cannot separate the physical and spiritual. So you can see how all of this would be too much for a kid to deal with! For any of us, really.
Whether getting sexually involved as an early teen was my fault or not (my having some knowledge that it was wrong, and still engaging in it) is not really the topic per se. In any case, it opened a door to so much heartache in my life that I have wished I could go back to undo my part in it, as it brought with it a slew of issues, including even lower self-worth. It led to behavior that never satisfied that part of me I was ever seeking to fill. A place that was created for God. And like those studies indicated, since those early teen sexual encounters, I dealt with oppression and depression – the Spirit of Suicide, among others.
What the Bible Says About Sexual Immorality
“Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul.” 1 Peter 2:11 In the context of this verse, we see the Greek word strateuó, is to wage war, to serve as a soldier, to engage in spiritual warfare. How would you like being thrown onto a battlefield? We don’t even realize that we are entering into a battle. But every physical act is tied to something spiritual. And only our Creator God can break off.
1 Cor 6:13 “… The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.”
2 Tim 2:22 “So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.”
Where Would I Be Without Jesus?
Proverbs 22:6 states, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” That would have been ideal. Being trained up in all God’s ways and goodness. Unfortunately, I had to take the long route home before returning to the God who comforted me in my distress. Thankfully, seeds had been planted when I was around 3 or 4 years old, from being in church and loving the Bible stories. In the end, Jesus met me where I was at. Despite my over-the-top, unrestrained behavior throughout my life, He did not condemn me. But instead, continued to draw me unto Himself, while waiting for me to receive Him.
“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.” John 3:17
Leave a Reply