Today I wanted to share yet another part of my life that’s an example of being pulled from the darkness of my life into the light of Jesus’ saving grace. The idea with this series is to focus more on certain subjects shared in my testimony, and even go into other things not previously shared in the original testimony to show what Jesus saved me from.
Today’s topic is sexual immorality and suicide since studies have been done that show a correlation between the two with those who are sexually active in their teens as I was. I imagine it’s a touchy subject as so many things have been normalized and accepted, even in the church today. But let my life warn others how destructive, and how yes those two are related!
So to those who are new to my channel or website, I grew up in a way that by today’s definition would be considered as being trafficked as I was abducted at age 11 by someone who was not legally allowed to raise me due to his previous crimes committed.
He had an obsession with young children, even as young as infants, and had magazines under his bed regarding. Ultimately he proceeded in his efforts to make that a reality, in one way or another, for me to bear children for him to satisfy his lustful desires.
After I completed the 5th grade, my biological father (as referenced above), decided to illegally take me from my legal guardians. We ended up living on the road, traveling from state to state in hiding. He had hatched plans and tried to carry them out with stalking and abduction attempts to get someone for me to make his fantasies materialize starting with my step-brother. No relation, but still shocking nonetheless to tell an 11-year-old she’s getting married to someone who was a family member.
So fast forward, after all those attempts taken while living on the road failed, we ended up going back to the house we grew up in …the same place that I was removed from when he lost legal custody. Much of my childhood consisted of varying levels of isolation which progressively grew worse as his mental state further deteriorated in paranoia of getting caught, so I was accustomed to loneliness.
Take that and add into the equation his coming up with the idea of putting an ad up to take in troubled teen boys which generated two replies (at different points in time). Guess where he put them? Yep, in my room …after he did a mock marriage ceremony saying we were married, and made a remark with sexual undertones.
I was set up. He preyed on my vulnerability and a lifetime of loneliness and low self-worth from multiple types of abuse and being in desperate need of being cared about and loved. So, in the end, I lost my virginity in my early teens. I think I had just turned 13. He threatened me saying that I needed to allow them to… (get me pregnant, to keep the language clean here).
But the bottom line is I allowed it to happen. I should have never permitted anyone to get near me. That opened a door to so much misery in my life! And that act carried through decades of being trapped in despair. Cyclic behavior that was ever-evolving.
So when I did not get pregnant, he brought the other guy in. Rinse and repeat. Later when he returned him to his family, I had had enough. I completely lost it. Like a moment of insanity, breaking a mirror and slashed my wrist. Was I rushed to the hospital, helped, or comforted? Nope. Instead, as usual, he was cold and even angry with me over it.
Anyway, I broke down to God over that and asked Him to please forgive me for trying to take my life. And, in that moment I felt a peace from that prayer. Even though I could not see a way out, a way to escape my life, it gave me hope. Which is what I needed as it would be years where I was locked in that old farmhouse before I was set free as an adult.
So yes, looking back on my graveyard of a life, I can see how that initial act of sexual immorality set the stage for my life of corrupted behavior and rebellion. And how sexual immorality and suicide are linked as I would later attempt to end things, several times. It was always driving me in that direction.
Thank God that Jesus never gave up on me! He helped and sustained me, and preserved my life through reckless decades giving me a chance to come to my senses. I have had too many close calls and it scares me to think of the grim reality of being eternally separated from God. The source of my comfort, hope, love, and happiness.
As I said, my life should serve as a warning to others about how destructive and unsatisfying, how harmful, and how much despair indulging in sexual immorality brings. And how it opens the door to the spiritual realm, inviting in the darkness of oppression, quite possibly the spirit of suicide as it did in my case. I WISH someone had warned me back in the day. Would have spared me so much heartache.Thank God for Jesus and that He is the Healer and Restorer of our soul.
The following verse shows how sexual immorality differs from other sins committed outside of the body. How it is worse than many because it brings a second person into the equation of committing an act of sin within our bodies. Like desecrating our temple.
1 Cor 6:13-20, “…The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. And God raised the Lord and will also raise us up by his power. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with Him. Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.”
James 1:12-15, “Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him. Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and He Himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.”
Ephesians 4:19, “They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity.” Yep, greedy as sin is hungry and is never satisfied! Will always work to push boundaries.
I saw that in my dad, the progression of depravity. By the time I was 16, what should have been my sweet 16 b-day, he approached me with a disgusting proposal that we should get married and some other things I won’t repeat. I thank God that He kept him from following through with what he desired! Though I was familiar with abuse since early childhood, he had never taken it that far! And of course, I see how that verse applied to my life as well with how things progressed to low levels of depravity.
Prov 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” That would have been ideal. Being trained up in all God’s ways and goodness. But unfortunately, I had to learn everything the hard way in my life. Thankfully there were seeds planted back when I was around 3 or 4 with being in church and loving the Bible stories, and then again during some of those dark years of isolation when I read parts of the Bible.
In the end, God met me where I was at. And I’m so thankful that He never gave up on me or stopped trying to draw me unto Himself. I needed Him so much and thank You Lord God that you are a faithful God! Where would I be without You Jesus?

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