Questions We Ask Ourselves
Have you ever wondered to yourself, why do I still feel this way? Such and such happened a 100 years ago; shouldn’t I be over it by now? People change, so why is it that I see every life situation, individual, or relationship through the lens of the past? Why am I constantly reminding so and so of what they did to me? Why is my mind on constant replay of the past? Why are these memories still evoking such a strong, emotional response? Why do I feel like I’m going in circles? Why do I feel like I am surviving and not thriving?
A few of the questions I have asked myself in frustration, not understanding that a life without God, a life outside of Christ Jesus, walked on our own, leads to a life of lack. Lack of inner peace, rest, assurance, forgiveness, contentment, and more.
Matthew 6:33 — “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.”
In the context of this verse, the Greek word zēteite means “a continuous, active, and deliberate pursuit or striving, not just a casual search.” The word prōton means “first/above all else”. The word dikaiosynēn means “what is right/just,” pointing to God’s character and moral standard. And lastly, the word prostethesetai means “will be added,” indicating divine provision.
God promises that if we seek Him first, actively digging into His word to know Him and what He’s about, prioritizing Him above all things, and following Him, He will provide our needs, mind, body, and spirit. In my case, I was lacking a long list, including identity, family that cared about me, true friends, hope of a future, genuine love, guidance, internal peace, forgiveness, joy, contentment, and rest.
Anger and Resentment Take Root
Hi. I’m Sunny. And I am the daughter of a mother who abandoned my siblings and me while some of us were still in diapers, and who, years later, took her own life. And, the daughter of a man who died in prison for crimes committed against us and others. The situation was bad. Living conditions were grim. We were being exploited. It was one of the worst cases of abuse the county had ever seen, something I was told in a court setting decades later during Victims’ Rights Week. His name was well known, even after all this time. Even an officer who was on the case decades ago, who had shown up at the property when I was a kid, was there to support.
I felt justified in being angry from such a childhood and harbored resentment towards the extended family who “should have done something” about it. Was that a correct assumption? Not entirely. But I held a grudge against them nonetheless. They funded the building of a church, so they were good Christians, right? That worked to fuel the growing resentment. I was quick to judge and held impossible standards of perfection for all around me to insufferable proportions. Looking back, I had been a loner growing up, not necessarily by choice. I say it that way because after one has been groomed and isolated from their early years, with strict boundaries set backed by methods of negative reinforcement, all during which time learning and development are critical, it works to set the stage for self-isolation motivated by self-preservation. And by that I mean abuse and occurrences of violence. The issues were complex, too much for me to go into much depth in one post.
Trapped After Freedom: Spiritual Drift Kept Me Bound
Here I was, finally free. However, I was stuck in what professionals would call “prison mindset”. I felt stunted. Overwhelmed. Hurt. Fearful. Lost. Worst of all? I wasn’t putting two and two together. I had drifted from God, my source of hope and peace. Although I had not developed a deep relationship with God (nor even understood what that meant), I was starting to love Him. I had read enough of the Bible growing up to know that He existed, and I even encountered His presence following a traumatic event, where His tangible peace came over me in response to a desperate prayer. But I made some wrong turns and left off really getting to know Him on a deeper level.
Psalm 103:2 — “Bless the LORD, O my soul, and do not forget all His kind deeds!”
I had forgotten what God had done for me, how He helped me, and was the only one there for me in the midst of trauma and loneliness. And without being grounded in God, I was easily shaken. Instead of leaning on the Prince of Peace for His comfort and love, and His strength to overcome, I went my own way, trying to fill the void with what the world calls love, leading to a troubled life in need of rescue from my own prison.
My God Is Real
When I reflect on my life, a few verses come to mind on how inviting God in to be a part of my life would have changed everything:
1 Peter 4:8 — “Above all, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins [it overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others].”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 — “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth.”
This reminds me of Jesus and His character, and how his example for us to follow leads to rest for our souls.
When we allow God to work on our hearts, the Fruits of the Spirit are made manifest:
Galatians 5:22-23 — “Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.”
Notice how love is emphasized, being placed first? God is Love, and His love paves the way for these things to follow. And as our relationship with God grows to maturity, His complete mature love replaces fear. Scripture says that “perfect love casts out fear”, and that we “have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind”. (1 John 4:18, 2 Tim 1:7) The Greek word sōphronismou in this context means “self-control, sound mind, discipline, mental and moral balance, a clear, sober judgement”.
Why am I going over all of this? Because I learned all this the hard way, meaning I took the long way around. How I wish that someone had told me back then! While I loved the Bible stories growing up, I thought all the nice teachings and sayings were just that. Good advice. And that this distant God would return one day and make everything right. I had no idea how personal He is and that there is actually supernatural power in God’s word. When it is spoken, read, and heard, it starts to transform our minds and hearts, our lives. I did not know that we could claim and pray verses for ourselves according to our need and receive help, provision, guidance, healing, strength, courage, wisdom, power, and so much more! Whatever our need, it’s in there! In His great love, God gave us His word to help us navigate life’s minefields, so we could live life to its fullest and find renewal and restoration in Him.
God’s word is foundational and is key to determining our path. Without God and His love to keep me anchored, I was impatient, unkind, envious, boastful, proud, rude, self-seeking, easily angered with fits of rage, kept account of wrongs, took pleasure in living wrong (though it never satisfied), was offended at the truth, and lacked self-control and discipline. And last but not least, I had church hurt. The product? Devastating. I walked away from church and the potential for the seeds of God’s word to be firmly planted in my heart, and by walking away, that eliminated the possibility for me to be delivered, sooner than later, from the demonic oppression I suffered from. And that essentially led to abandoning God.
As we intentionally and continuously seek to know God through His word, our minds are opened and washed by His water words. Eph 5:26 And by grace through faith in Jesus, an inner transformation starts to occur as our hearts are softened through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Eze 36:26 Then, as we allow the Holy Spirit to operate, the process of breaking off spiritual strongholds and oppression, deliverance occurs, and deep inner healing takes place. Through this process, we are made a new creation in Christ where He makes all things new.
But, instead of turning to God for help to overcome setbacks and receive healing, I brewed, allowing things to become deeply rooted, to the point where they were driving factors in my life. Blaming others for my misfortune, and harboring unforgiveness, seeded resentment, cultivated anger, and led to the poison of bitterness, opening spiritual doors to torment. It would be many years, decades, till I would recognize my need for God and His help. And found that, though I had abandoned Him, He had never abandoned me. He was always waiting at the door and never gave up trying to draw me into His everlasting arms. I would come to find in Him all that I was missing. All that I needed. All that I ever wanted. He was the solution all along to a fulfilling, renewed, and restored life.
Biblical Examples of Overcoming
It’s easy to get swallowed up in trials, our seasons of “going through the wilderness”. In these moments, I find it helpful to remind myself of how God has worked in amazing ways in the lives of others. The Bible is full of many examples of historical figures and their adventures through thick and thin, in how God brought them through, made provision for them, and even elevated them into positions of renown. Here are a few:
The story of Esther is encouraging to me in how God works in mysterious ways, as despite losing both her parents, her cousin took her in. Then God moved to elevate her, working behind the scenes to make her queen, where God would use her mightily to save his people from destruction from Haman, who was filled with resentment, anger, hate, and envy towards Esther’s cousin. Because of Haman’s harbored hate, he determined to destroy the entire nation of Jews, Esther’s people. In the end, though the laws of that kingdom could not be reversed once the king decreed, God gave Esther favor with the King to work around the existing decree, the death sentence he had been tricked into agreeing upon. Not only was there divine intervention in saving God’s people, but there was also a divine reversal onto the head of the very one who devised the plan of genocide. And the very instrument Haman constructed to brutally kill Esther’s cousin, the one he hated, was used in his own death.
The story of Joseph encourages me in how God worked all things together for good, despite a chain of events meant for evil. Though his brothers, driven by resentment, anger, hate, and envy, threw him in a pit to die of thirst and starvation, but ultimately sold him into slavery, God gave Joseph favor. While the enemy worked to foil the plans of God through a situation where Joseph was thrown into prison, God did not let that situation go to waste. Not only was Joseph delivered, but God also elevated him to a high position of honor, next to Pharaoh himself, where he was given power and authority. In addition, God worked through Joseph to save the lives of not only his entire family, the beginnings of the nation of Israel, but also the lives of the nation they were sojourning.
The story of David brings encouragement, as his beginnings were those of a lowly shepherd. That profession did not warrant respect and was considered equal to dung sweepers. But through his unwavering faith in God and a zeal for His name, God worked through David to courageously take down a giant with a stone and a slingshot to save the nation of Israel. Though he was but a shepherd boy in his teens, God saw a king in him and sent a prophet to anoint him. Through trials and tribulations, a wilderness period of delay, and while being hunted by a demonically oppressed king who was filled with resentment, anger, hate, and envy toward him, David waited patiently on the Lord and took refuge in Him. And though David was highly flawed, he remained humble in true repentance, submitted to God’s divine authority and timing, and chased after God with all his heart all of his days. Valuing his relationship with God above all else.
What Scripture Says About Anger
Proverbs 16:32 — “He who is slow to anger is better than a warrior, and he who controls his temper is greater than one who captures a city.”
Ephesians 4:31-32 — “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:25-27 — “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”
Proverbs 14:29 — “He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalts folly.”
Psalm 37:8 — “Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.”
Proverbs 29:22 — “A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.”
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