I wanted to share another blip of my testimony about what Jesus has saved me from. I intend to share more than my original testimony with this series. Today is regarding anger and resentment. It’s a big problem in the world, and I was its poster child. As my website shows, there was a point in my life when I was trafficked. Before, during, and after that, I dealt with abandonment issues and abuse. Years of being forbidden to have friends and meaningful personal relationships.
I held onto a lot of bitterness growing up in captivity. I was even kept from having close family ties with my extended family. He did this as a preventative measure for fear I would talk about what he was doing behind closed doors. His addiction equated to an attraction to young individuals. All this pressure of not getting caught and being held accountable built up and spilled over with my father’s fits of rage, producing a life of living in fear.
Though I felt justified in being angry at my childhood being stolen from me, harboring such took me captive. And though I was physically set free as an adult, I ended up putting myself into my own prison. Unfortunately, it took root and grew. Because that’s what happens when something fills our hearts: it spills over, with the overflows revealing what’s inside. In all its ugliness. Oh, I wish I could drive this home! To truly convey how sin like this takes over if we are not mindful.
It allows the enemy a foothold. Invites them into our lives to torment and manipulate us. It opens doors and allows them to come right in to set up a stronghold. I wish I was joking. I have put myself through a lifetime of torment and hell with such things as anger and resentment. Of course, I had no good examples growing up and did some things in ignorance for a season. But in our hearts, we know some things are not healthy as God writes His law on our hearts. We have our consciences for good reason.
My frustration is that I have had to learn a lifetime of lessons the hard way. So please let my life serve as a lesson and warning. I have brought so much pain and suffering, guilt and shame on myself. I destroyed my reputation long ago. Cause yeah, anger and resentment were not my only masters. Nope. Everything from adultery to addictions, to lying, and everything else in between. Whatever we obey is our master, spiritually speaking. Oh, it’s real!
So I am here today, not in some strange way to get attention or gain popularity …if that were possible. No, I am here opening the closet to show skeletons to both serve as a warning and also to share hope. And that’s Jesus. He has been my only hope. It’s been a struggle dying to self to fully surrender, with my flesh fighting “tooth and nail” every step of the way. Because, as much as I hate to admit it, I have lived a very self-centered life. Jesus has been the only way out of my prison!
The only one who got through to me. The only one who has always been there, waiting, and trying to get my attention. The one who saw all my garbage and loved me through it all. The only one to remove strongholds. My only peace. People say He’s not real. God’s not real, they say. That’s interesting. You have not walked in my shoes and seen Him work miracles and make Himself known. You have not experienced what I have in being on the brink of hell, and instead of being cast aside and rejected, set free. So, say what you will. My God is real. And as they say, I know that my Redeemer lives!
Let me share just a few Bible verses, starting with one that is comforting about how God does not deal with us as we deserve. His amazing grace!
“The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.” Psalm 103:8–10
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31–32
“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” Proverbs 4:23
“My beloved brothers, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteousness that God desires.” James 1:19-20
“The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, and debauchery; idolatry and sorcery; hatred, discord, jealousy, and rage; rivalries, divisions, factions, and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” Galatians 5:19-21
“Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” Ephesians 4:25–27
“He who is slow to anger is better than a warrior, and he who controls his temper is greater than one who captures a city.” Proverbs 16:32
“Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger settles in the lap of a fool.” Ecclesiastes 7:9
“Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.” Colossians 3:8
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