There’s no truer statement. Looking back I can see that He never gave up on me. There are too many times to mention at once, so perhaps I will address each separately. Things that Jesus has rescued me from. When you’re living deep in sin, it has a blinding effect to where you don’t even recognize that you’re caught in a never-ending cycle. There’s a saying to the effect of repeating the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result as being the definition of insanity. I think that best describes the grip of sin and my life. The evil one seeks to run us down and wear us out, leaving us feeling hopeless to where we entertain thoughts of giving up. He comes to seek, kill, and destroy and he roams around as if he were a lion, seeking whom he may devour. But right there in all my darkness was One who sought to save my life. One who never gave up on me.
The wages of sin is death. Those wages we earn by our choices. Our actions. And my actions made me an enemy of God. Yet looking back, I can see His mercy and grace in my life. His kindness and compassion. His sustaining power. He went to every length to keep me out of the pit. I know this now having been rescued and pulled out of that cyclic trap where I was a blind “dead man walking”.
I was in my late 20’s. I think. There is so much in my life that it sort of blends together. I was living with a boyfriend, someone I had met during a church event some years prior. I was not an avid churchgoer and had long given up on fitting in as if that’s what it’s all about. My life early on was complicated. And it left me hurt, angry, and despising all authority. So here I was. Depressed and in despair. I desperately needed Jesus. But didn’t even know it.
I was stuck in my ways. Literally. I was standing in my own way where self was in control. Without giving my life over to Jesus, the self – my mind, body, soul, was on the highway to hell as there are only two paths we can follow. God or the world. When in the world, we tend to search down every avenue but His in a never-ending cycle of feeding the flesh in the hopes of peace and rest.
From the beginning, our original design before the fall, God made us with purpose to have communion with Him. There’s a part of us that nothing can fill or satisfy except Him. There is a longing that’s built into us so we are ever searching in life. But being in a fallen state, there’s a tug-of-war going on between the flesh and the spirit. Our spirit is like an antenna to receive communication with our Creator which would lead to restored communion and relationship with Him.
But in this tug of war battle, bad choices open doors and allow enemy interference. Quite literally interference from the prince and power of the air. The fallen one of the kingdom of darkness. It is our thoughts, words, and actions, if not carefully guarded, that give the enemy legal access and entry to manipulate and lead us further into sin and farther away from our Creator, widening the chasm of separation. Thankfully, with God’s plan of Salvation, there is no chasm too great, no divide too hard for Him to cross in rescuing us. But we sure can hurt ourselves by ever running from Him, the One who desires to give us true rest.
So here I was, drowning in loneliness and feeling hopeless. The only time I felt any sort of love was when I was drugged up. Not that I knew what love was. But that’s the only time my then-boyfriend paid any attention to me, seemingly showing me genuine affection, love, and care. He had introduced me to drugs years prior. And though I knew better, I allowed myself to go down that road. What I did not know was that my engaging in the use of such opened the door to the spirit of sorcery (which is pharmakeia in Greek and where we get the word pharmaceutical) also known as a spirit of divination (the Greek says puthōna, or python spirit – one of many marine spirits that bring depression and unrest).
“When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.” Galatians 5:19-21
God had been trying to draw me, to get my attention. I needed Him to be my Lord and Savior. To take all my burdens of guilt and shame. To lift me up from the ashes. To heal me from the deep wounds left behind from the childhood trauma of being trafficked. To comfort and encourage me. To give meaning to my life. To guide and direct my path. But my cyclic behavior patterned after the world opened doors and gave the enemy plenty of foothold and opportunity to set up strongholds through my fleshly desires to fill the void with everything but Jesus. In all my mess, in the thick of the mire, I could not see that.
If we continue in willful sin and ignore the voice of our God-given conscience, it becomes quieter and quieter as we allow sin in its natural progression to extinguish the light. It’s never satisfied. Ever hungry, as we sink lower and lower into the pit. We can’t even see the flames below. Our actions further blind us as they harden the shell around our heart enveloping us with fear and anxiety which further feeds the enemy, strengthening his camp, and leaving us in a state of utter despair.
Unfortunately, without coming to my senses and calling out to Jesus to save me, there seemed to be nothing in my path that would slow me down on this fast track to self-destruct. I hit a new low and wanted out. But my attempt to OD failed. Though I intentionally followed through, I woke up the next day. Why does this keep happening? Still here. This was certainly not my first attempt at giving up and attempting self-harm.
Looking back, I can see Jesus. He was fighting for me. He was at the door waiting. Walking by my side. Sustaining me. Preserving me. And saving me from disaster. I had woken up to see that I was still here. Still, in my miserable mess, there was a small part of me at peace with having another chance at life. I should have died long ago with hell as my certain destination. But being Jesus is love, even at my worst, He never gave up on me. His love chased me down. In His faithfulness, He continued knocking at my heart’s door. Where would I be without You Jesus? What selfless love. And even while His enemy!
Through His priceless sacrifice on the cross in the shedding of His precious blood – His death, burial, and resurrection, He offers us the beautiful gift of salvation by grace through faith. We can’t earn salvation. There is no amount of good deeds that we could do that will ever balance out the bad things we have done to pay for our salvation. But the good news is Christ did it all! He took our shame upon Himself and suffered the death we deserve for our wages earned to bring us healing and wholeness, hope, and a future. Salvation and eternal life in Him. “But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed.” Isaiah 53:5 He traded it all, taking our sins upon Himself, and in exchange giving us His righteousness. That’s a great deal! To be clothed in His righteousness and made right in the sight of God.
If you want to invite Jesus in your heart, Romans 10:10 tells how. “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with your heart you believe and are justified, and with your mouth you confess and are saved.” Only Jesus can save! “Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.” John 14:6. “Salvation exists in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved.” Acts 4:12. “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 A beautiful invitation from a beautiful Savior! He accepts us as we are, meeting us where we are at. He came to make all things new. And He will never leave or forsake us. Ever faithful and true!

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