From Lukewarm Faith to Spiritual Awakening: Realizing My Need for God
Earlier this spring, I had a spiritual awakening. A realization that I was not right with God. I was squeezing Him in here and there, many times when I could “kill two birds with one stone”. The word lukewarm comes to mind. Though not a church-goer due to church hurt, I had considered myself Christian as I believed in God. But, I was complacent. Not only did I not feel on fire for God, I was presumptuous, taking Him, His blessings, protection, and His grace for granted. I had not had the Spirit-filled, born-again experience Jesus spoke of in John 3:1-21 that He said was necessary to enter the kingdom of God nor did I understand being filled and what it meant to be in a relationship with Him.
Overcoming Spiritual Laziness: Learning from the Five Foolish Virgins
Other than listening to an audio Bible during my long commute to work, Christian music, and some spiritual YT videos, I was not spending much time in His Word. Admittedly, I did not take time to pray daily – whether just talking to Him throughout the day or dedicating set aside time for Him regularly. In the back of my mind, I wondered if I was like one of the “five foolish virgins” of Matthew 25:1-13 who, while they were among the group waiting for the Bridegroom, did not prepare themselves for Him, showing up to wait without any extra oil to get through the waiting period. Did I have extra oil for my lamp? What is this oil? Ultimately, they were told, “Depart from me, I never knew you”. Complacent and presumptuous perhaps? “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Our actions must align with our good intentions. As Revelation 3:15-16 came to mind, the conviction grew that I was spiritually lazy, “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish that you were cold or hot. 16 So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.” Ok, so how does one be on fire and stay on fire for God? As these questions arose, I could no longer ignore the nagging feeling that I was in fact a foolish virgin.
A Life-Changing Testimony: How an NDE Opened My Heart to God
Thankfully, my husband got on a kick of watching NDEs (near-death experiences). After around 50 or so, one broke through my calloused complacent heart. A testimony by Randy Kay, someone who spent many years working in the medical industry, and a previous non-believer, who had clinically died from pulmonary emboli and septic shock. Of all the amazing testimonies, for some reason, this one hit differently. Something told me to go deeper to read his in-depth experience in “Heaven Stormed. And wow, talk about doing a 180! The God Randy met was not who I thought He was, and, drawn by a deep longing to experience God this way, I took my first steps in a new direction.
Rediscovering God’s Love Through Early Morning Bible Study and Prayer
Within a week or so of reading, I was setting my alarm for early morning Bible study. I had no idea what I was doing and felt like a baby Christian. Of course, now I know, biblically speaking, to truly believe is to take action and follow through. Each day consisted of dedicated time for reading scripture, singing praise, and prayer. Looking to go deeper, I went back to square one; after re-reading the Gospels I sought to start over with fresh eyes where it all began, Genesis. And this time read every word with intention. By the time I got to Chronicles, doubts about God’s goodness and kindness melted away. For decades, I had a misconception of who He is, possibly stemming from a lack of relationship with my earthly father and growing up without the love of my parents. My past experiences had led to a life in survival mode just doing what I had to to get by, and having issues with authority. Naturally, it was difficult for me to see God as being tender, loving, and nurturing as my traumatic upbringing had left me envisioning Him as angry, distant, and harsh. The more time I spent with Him in His Word, the more the blinders fell from my eyes and my heart was now softened.
Building a Deeper Relationship with God Through Prayer and His Word
But how do you love someone you don’t know? Spend time with them! I wanted to truly know Him and love Him according to Mark 12:30. I prayed,”Father God, fan the embers of my heart!” Jeremiah 29:13 says, “You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” As I prayed for my heart to be rightly aligned with His will, I pressed in, seeking to build a relationship where He would speak to me. And the more time I spent in His Word, the more hunger grew to where I would miss Him if something came up or my time got cut short. The Word is living and active and it’s like food for the soul! Come to mind were Jesus’ words in Matthew 4:4 when being tempted by the devil, “Scripture says, ‘A person cannot live on bread alone but on every word that God speaks.” Can we just take a moment to absorb that? Jesus used scripture as a weapon! We “hide God’s word in our heart”, ingesting it, not only to learn more about Him and His ways, but also to protect, nourish, comfort, lead, strengthen, and gain wisdom. And, before you know it, it speaks to us.
Recognizing Spiritual Attacks and Giving God Your Whole Heart
About a month into my journey, I started getting messages from Him. I was so taken aback that I started a journal to document. But as time went on, I started running into days of what felt like a spiritual attack. Still new to all this, I prayed over and asked my husband to inquire and intercede for me being he had the relationship with God I now sought. Sure enough, what I was up against was revealed to him. Though hard to admit, the reality was, the kingdom of darkness was under threat of losing one of theirs. Me. I was in its sights! Like a prisoner breaking out, you’re not in their sights unless you’re trying to break free. In my pride-driven blindness, I had not thought of myself as a prisoner, but that was the reality of it. God wants all of our heart. On fire. Not lukewarm. In a demonstration of His reckless love, He gave all of His heart to us and proved with action how He feels about us through His death to self and death to the flesh. Pouring Himself out, every ounce of strength and every drop. For you! For me. He deserves our all! He is a relational God and desires communion with us, fellowship, and closeness.
Overcoming Spiritual Attacks: Persevering Through Prayer and Praise
So here I was under attack. I would experience extreme unnatural tiredness where I could almost feel my eyes being shut when trying to read the Bible. Other spiritual attacks consisted of heaviness with every step, chest pressure to the point of interfering with my breathing, and times of confusion to the point of frustration. The enemy was not about to sit quietly by and allow me to be transferred into the Kingdom of God without a fight! With God’s help, it took some perseverance to push through the struggle, though admittedly there were days where I would eventually give up to try again the next day. But after praying in agreeance with my husband, and praise, the fire of God was called down to expose and burn up every foul and wicked spirit trying to deter me from progress. So let my experience shed light on the fact that we need to stay close to God during such attacks. Pray, praise, and push through to breakthrough!
Overcoming Spiritual Dryness: When Worship Feels Obstructed
As the months passed, my mind was blown with continued words and encounters as I never knew getting to know God could be like this! I had also come to experience and enjoy a sublime feeling of peace and love from head to toe. Waves washing over me. However, I started running into a new issue. On occasion, I was having days where I felt like I was hitting a wall. My worship life felt obstructed as if there was a separation from God accompanied with deep sadness. That happened here and there for a few months, but now more often. I would be in my prayer closet crying before Him, telling Him I desperately missed Him and needed Him. My prayer life was suffering and even my praise. Like a compassionate loving Father, He responded that He loved me and for me to remember that God is Love. But days like that continued. Was this a new kind of attack? I was missing something.
Recognizing Hidden Sin: How God Humbles and Restores Us
When in sin, it tends to be self-blinding. I asked Him the question, “Is there a hindrance?”. It was not but a few days later that He said I was being humbled. At first, I was in shock and denial, and in my pride, rejected this as being a message from Him. How could this be? But in my need for Him, greatly missing the closeness, I asked if He could give me clarity or context. He was so gracious as to follow up and let me know. He is so good. So faithful! “You give more glory to _____ than to Me”. Something I was doing had wedged itself in between us. God is so kind and patient, but there wasn’t growth in certain areas. I was still in the habit of old behaviors. Continued sin eventually impedes the growth of the relationship and eventually distances us from Him. It was my sin that separated me from Him. And my willful habitual sin that brought the humbling. “The Lord corrects the people he loves and disciplines those he calls his own.” Hebrews 12:6
True Worship: Focusing on God Through Thoughts, Actions, and Intentions
While excavating my heart, the following message came through, “Whatever we focus on is what we bring glory to”. Romans 12:1-2 says, “Therefore I exhort you, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a sacrifice—living, holy, and pleasing to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may approve what the will of God is, that which is good and pleasing and perfect.” True worship goes beyond routines of setting the alarm to read His word or sing praises. Our everyday lives are acts of worship, whether to God or the enemy. There are only two camps. Our thought life is no exception along with our attitudes, words, and intentions. All are acts of worship that tell God how we feel about Him, and He takes it personally. Would we want our significant other to be half-hearted? Matthew 25:40 says that whatever we do, we do it to Him.
Self-Evaluation Through Scripture: Following Jesus’ Humble Example
Needless to say, that led to a very uncomfortable self-evaluation of every area I could think of. I had come to rely on God and needed Him! I started researching scripture to see what is pleasing to God, including His example walked out in the person of Jesus, our humble God, who chose to set aside His riches and glory to be born into a family of no reputation, growing up in poverty, accustomed to hard manual labor as a carpenter, and, living the life of a servant being faithful and obedient unto death:
“ 5 Adopt the same attitude as that of Christ Jesus, 6 who, existing in the form of God, did not consider equality with God as something to be exploited. 7 Instead he emptied himself by assuming the form of a servant, taking on the likeness of humanity. And when he had come as a man, 8 he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death— even to death on a cross” Philippians 2:5-8
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:12-13
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23
“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Philippians 4:8
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23
“4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-6
“5 You younger men, follow the leadership of those who are older. And all of you serve each other with humble spirits, for God gives special blessings to those who are humble, but sets himself against those who are proud.” 1 Peter 5:5
The Power of Humility: Lessons from Jesus, Moses, and King David
Some of the greatest leaders in Biblical history were humble such as Moses, King David, and of course the greatest of all, God Himself in the person of Jesus. There is much to be said in scripture of humility and it’s no wonder being it’s the polar opposite of pride! The cost of pride required the highest price paid in history. The most precious life was given in exchange for ours. The only way out of our mess was for God to enter into His creation to live out an example for us in the flesh, and to offer Himself as a perfect sacrifice, all to reconcile us back unto Himself. Such intense love and selflessness! Such humility! Jesus was the perfect man. He was tempted in every way we are, completely identifying with us as human, but overcame all so that we could be overcomers through Him.
Taking Responsibility: Overcoming Pride and Deep-Rooted Issues
As for my self-searching, there was much to deal with after living through such a traumatic upbringing – that, coupled with my own mistakes as an adult once set free from captivity. We can’t help what others have done to us out of their abuse of free will choices. But, we should take responsibility for our own choices and behaviors. My past was entrenched with deep-seated issues that would surface from time to time such as having an attitude, pride, victim mentality, grudges, anger, rebellion, resentment, impatience, being self-critical and negative, self-absorbed with a part of me enjoying praise if I did something major for someone, easily offended and defensive, and being a complainer. Many of these stem from pride!
Surrendering to God: Responding to Conviction and Breaking Old Habits
It’s so important to soften our hearts to respond to conviction and correction, be in step with the Holy Spirit sensitive to His leading, and always be open to surrender. We are all a work in progress! I pray for discernment and spiritual sensitivity daily. I had been asking God to work on me from the start of this journey. To root out what needs to go to better please Him and draw closer to build the relationship. I’m not looking to know of Him, I want to know Him and be known according to John 17:3, “3 And this is the way to have eternal life—by knowing you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, the one you sent to earth!” I don’t want to knowingly carry on in old habits. What we nurture grows. The reality was these habits were nurtured and deeply rooted decades ago. Throughout those decades of living as a self-professing Christian, God has been so patient and loving, gently leading me to this point of breaking them off.
Glorifying God: Overcoming Negative Mindsets and Speaking Life
As to, “You give more glory to _____ than to Me”, I had a few things to deal with. It was time to face that self-critical and negative mindset I dealt with daily. It’s ok to recognize our weaknesses and faults, but then we strive to overcome them through Christ Jesus, laying them at His feet, and move forward. And speak life! I was also in the habit of getting carried away with emotions and complaining. That, and an unwarranted attitude with repeated moments of impatience would surface towards my husband. We bring glory to what we focus on, do, and say, and I certainly was not glorifying God in that behavior! Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it and indulge it will eat its fruit and bear the consequences of their words.” Also, I discovered in 1 Peter 3:7 that our prayers can be hindered as a result of how we treat our spouse – to be considerate, respectful, and honor one another as unto the Lord.
Pruning, Refining, and Remaining in God: From Lukewarm to Fully Transformed
This process of pruning and refining has been a little uncomfortable, but feeling separated from God was far more difficult. Psalms 34:8 says, “Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him.” There is just nothing and no one like Him. There’s no going back to my old life that was filled with half-hearted religious acts rooted in complacency, thinking I was “safe”, all the while remaining untransformed. John 15:4-6 says, “4 Remain in Me, and I will remain in you. Just as no branch can bear fruit by itself unless it remains in the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me. 5 I am the vine and you are the branches. The one who remains in Me, and I in him, will bear much fruit. For apart from Me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not remain in Me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers.” There is no going back to being lukewarm with no personal relationship driven by love and a desire to know, please, and abide in God. He is my all!
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