Welcome to another segment in this series where I share parts of my testimony and how Jesus has changed my life. This subject was a big one for me; I know some can relate as there are so many hurt individuals who turn from God, and even hate Him, for the goings on either at church, or from someone who falsely claimed to follow Him while leading a dark double life.
Going back to my original testimony 5 months ago, I don’t remember if I mentioned what church denomination my family was a part of. But it’s not important because, as with everything else, there are good people in every denomination. I’m not here to bash any specific belief system, so I won’t focus on that.
As to be expected, I did not see a whole lot of practice what you preach growing up. Despite that, they started me out young in reading the Bible. It did not take long for me to see the hypocrisy, even at a young age, of how we should be treated according to scripture, in comparison to how I was treated in real life. It was so hurtful to read of the love of God and then go through so much pain in real life, not seeing God in anyone. I just wanted to be wanted.
A whole lot of craziness happened growing up, including being abused, abandoned, abducted, trafficked, and betrayed by those who should have loved and protected me. By the time I was released from years of captivity, I was pretty damaged. I tried going to church, and my grandparents made sure I was baptized right away. Though I think they meant well, I had no family that I could fully trust because they always covered for my dad despite the crimes he committed. He was not legally allowed to have us, yet we were left in dire conditions despite their knowledge of his history.
Of course, I was not aware of their full side of the story, and they passed away before I could get much out of them. In any case, I have forgiven them and hope they are resting in peace, and I am only here to state the situation and what contributed to my growing cold and hardened. I am thankful, however, for the early childhood memories of when they took me to church. Even though the love of God spoken of at church and in His Word was pretty much foreign to me, I loved hearing the Bible stories.
I look back and see that God was my only glimmer of light in many dark years of growing up, and that led me to read scripture during several points of my childhood. He was my only hope amid desperation, showing up and greatly comforting me after I slashed my wrist in an attempt to end my life. I wish so much that I had stuck with reading God’s Word. My life and path would have looked so different! Instead, I allowed darkness and desperation to swallow me up and succumbed to a childhood of loneliness and being unloved.
All the more reason to press into God! How I wish I knew back then that Jesus is the solution. That there is such a thing as building a personal relationship with Him where communication and manifestations are real. Where the peace, love, and comfort that He gives is unlike anything else. That He never leaves or abandons. He never betrays us. His love is overwhelming and sublime. I wish I had known! But sadly, I did not press in or understand what that would look like. There was no one there who was pouring into, helping, or supporting me.
All of the abuse. All of the grooming. Then, the situation I was put in and the choices that stemmed from that furthered the divide as sin separates us from closeness with God. That of course, led to my wandering down a wrong path away from His word. I wish someone had explained to me get into the word until the Word is in you. Makes me think of Gal 4:19, “My children, of whom I travail again until that Christ shall have been formed in you.”
My mistake was walking away from God and judging Him and the church for the errors of people. All I had to do was see if they were following Jesus’ example. If not, and consistently so, then that would reveal if they were Christians or not. Can’t get mad at God for their actions cause they were not following what He said and the example of how we are to live and treat others. “You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thorn bushes or figs from thistles?” Mathew 7:16
We all fall short of the glory of God. Their actions defamed God’s name. Ultimately, a child of God left the church and Him over it. Then I turned around and did the same in my own life, living as I should not. I, too, made Him look bad. Over and over! Because I had been baptized, I called myself a Christian. While I did not understand what a Christian was, I knew that how I was living was wrong. As scripture says, God writes His Law on our hearts. But of course, we can choose to ignore our conscience and convictions till it becomes seared.
I bought into the world and its alluring lies of self-gratification and its promise of fulfillment in choosing one’s own path instead of what God would have. Being that I had no control growing up, I wanted full control of my own life, which ended up leaving me with a meaningless void. Meanwhile, He is the One who formed me in my mother’s womb. He knows me best and created me with purpose.
Of course, now I realize that there are issues in every church because we are all at different stages of our walk with God. Of course, every church will have its lukewarm and others who are not born again at whatever stage they are at in their journey. Find a Spirit-filled church where the Spirit falls. “Taste and see that the LORD is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!” Psalm 34:8. Jesus is life-changing. And you will wonder how you ever lived without Him! Thankfully, He never stopped trying to get through to me and continued to draw me, trying to get my attention.
Learn from me! Don’t make the same mistake. Don’t push God away. Don’t walk away from Him. Don’t abandon the only One who knows all about you and loves you deeply with an immeasurable love. Jesus is a true friend and is faithful, unlike any other. No matter how far we have fallen, Jesus does not regret going to that cross. Look at my life! He willingly laid down His life for the joy of what would be beyond it. The cross breaks every misconception of who God is. He revealed Himself on that cross. The length He would go to save us. Whether we accept Him or not, He died to purchase our pardon and is waiting at the door with open arms. It’s hard to imagine that kind of love!
Inviting Jesus into my heart as my Lord and Savior was my turning point and the beginning of a new adventure. Surrendering unto my wonderful King and Redeemer brought the freedom and peace I had always sought. I love Jesus so much! I am blessed to have and experience Him in my life. He has been the only One to change my life. The only One to heal my broken heart. The only One to change my cold heart, blinded mind, and bad attitude. He is so good! Jesus, You are truly life-changing. Where would I be without You?
Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
Psalm 62:1-2, “Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.”
Proverbs 3:3-6, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
1 Peter 5:7, “Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”
Isaiah 41:10, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Romans 8:38-39, “In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
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