Though this topic is controversial, I intend to share my past weaknesses, the progression of sin in my life, and where it led to show all that Jesus has saved me from. And with this series of breaking down my testimony, I am here to share the hope I found in Christ Jesus, who loved me and never gave up on me despite how low I sunk, with everything from adultery to addiction. “For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.” John 3:17
Though each subject has been uncomfortable to discuss in baring all my skeletons, I hope to expose the lies of the enemy of how he worked in my life. Lies that we should accept how we fall short to the degree where nothing needs to change after we have accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior. Lies that we don’t need to acknowledge certain things as sin. Lies that we can use past trauma as an excuse for our faults, where we continue in sins we were exposed to. Lies that we don’t need to put on our new nature, dying to self, putting off old habits and placing them on the altar for Jesus.
The enemy does not want us to know that in Christ Jesus, he is under our feet. In Jesus, we have been given authority to resist and overcome. The devil does not want anyone to be aware of how he lures us into serving him through catering to the flesh, even through something seemingly innocent as in the mind. “…For whatever a person succumbs to, to that he is enslaved.” 2 Peter 2:19
Let my life serve as an example of not putting off the old nature after baptism. Though baptized after being set free from childhood captivity, I did not live in newness of life in Christ Jesus. The devil is perfectly fine with Christians going to church and believing they are saved, all the while catering to the flesh, as he knows it means we are slaves to sin – therefore in service to him in hanging onto our old nature.
Yes, we are born into a fallen world with a sinful nature. Without Christ Jesus, there is no hope in our slavery to sin. But Jesus came to break the power of sin over us so we could have a new nature, new heart, and new desires that align with God in Christ Jesus. He came to set the captives free. But we cannot ignore convictions as our conscience will become seared and our heart will grow calloused to the point where we start justifying sin.
While He loves us to incredible depths beyond our comprehension, that does not mean He loves our sin. He would not have gone to that cross if that were the case! That became abundantly clear in the Garden of Gethsemane when Jesus was agonizing about His upcoming death, asking God if there was any other way for our salvation than the suffering He would have to endure, the shedding of His blood, and the drinking of the cup of wrath that was reserved for us. It was to make a point that there was NO other way. Jesus is the only way back to God.
Do we even realize what He went through? In obedience to the Father, Jesus traded it all to take our place and our punishment. In our lives, we tend to work towards building a life for ourselves to bring comfort, security, and happiness. We tend to focus on the here and now and what we can get out of life. Naturally, it’s all about us. But Jesus, although He was fully Divine and fully man, even though He could have chosen to live life for Himself, traded it all to defeat death and hell – the power of sin once and for all.
He emptied and humbled Himself to enter His creation and become flesh and blood. Philippians 2:6-11 Jesus become a blank slate, living as a human being tempted as we are, but living solely for the will of His Father. Everything Jesus did and said was exactly how He was instructed by His Father, with nothing being done of Himself. “For I have left Heaven and have come down to earth not to seek my own pleasure, but to do the will of Him who sent me.” John 6:38
That was the relationship with His Father. Full surrender unto Him. And it was Jesus’ trust in God the Father and His great love for us that He willingly laid down His life to set us free. This plan of Salvation goes back to the beginning as the solution for man’s sin. God loved us so much that He was willing to sacrifice His only Son, though our sin was against Him, our Creator.
Jesus’ life and death show the righteousness of God and display the depths of His selfless love to die for the whole world. He died to make His enemies His friends. Despite those who would hate and reject Him, Jesus still went through with it, as the way, with Him being the bridge to eternal life and offering the gift of salvation to all.
As far as my life and this subject, it’s common for those who have been abused to have tendencies to same sex attraction. There seems to be some connection between trauma and child sex abuse and how it allows entry or how it spiritually opens doors for something to enter our lives. With layer after layer of trauma in abduction, being trafficked, and the various forms of abuse, doors were opened.
Scripture even speaks of sin-induced generational curses being passed down “till the 3rd and 4th generation” until there is a breaking off by the turning from whatever sin initiated the curse. That should usher caution in knowing that our sin has lasting consequences that will outlive us and pass through to those we love in our bloodline, to affect our children’s children for generations until somewhere down the line, they turn from the tendencies passed down, breaking the chain.
As for my life, though I am not familiar with much of my family’s history due to a constant air of secrecy when among relatives, the childhood trauma I was exposed to and subject to was enough in of itself for entry. From what I can remember, I started entertaining same sex attraction when I was around age 9. Spiritual doorways are very real and can lead to strongholds being set up. I got to witness such for myself, having my eyes opened to the spirit realm after I committed adultery for the second time and saw what looked like a marine spirit enter my apartment. I touched on this encounter in another testimony clip.
I think we are all familiar with the saying that whatever we entertain and focus on, whatever we nurture, grows. Though I had always been involved in relationships with men, there reached a point in my life where I thought nothing of my attraction to women as the guilt I once felt regarding subsided with the continuation of my indulging in mental fantasies – a subject addressed in another blog post. “This then is the reason why God gave them up to vile passions. For not only did the women among them exchange the natural use of their bodies for one which is contrary to nature, but the men also” Romans 1:26
Then, as with all sin conceived and birthed in the heart, it progressed into reality as one day, after my boyfriend and I were out having some drinks, a mutual female friend joined us at our apartment. Before I knew it, she kissed me, and I allowed it. Not only did I allow it, but I initiated it on another occasion following that evening. Though it did not progress further than that with her or any other woman, the mental fantasies that I had engaged in were further fueled and continued. It may seem innocent enough, but what we engage in mentally matters. In any case, same-sex attraction was yet another stronghold that needed to be dealt with, broken off, and given to God.
Jesus repeatedly clarified that sin starts in the heart and not in mere word or action, giving Matthew 5:27-28 as an example to show that thoughts and intentions matter to God. In His example, Jesus expanded on the Old Testament Law to His audience, stating that if we lust in our heart after a married individual or are married ourselves lusting after another, we are guilty of committing adultery. His point was for us to avoid entertaining such thoughts as they will take root and eventually bear fruit. He kept driving the point home that our heart fills up and then spills over, with our heart being revealed by our actions, and all the issues of life flowing from it. Proverbs 4:23
Unfortunately, my getting baptized was more of a ritual than a heart change as I did not truly seek God. But thankfully, He sought me. And through my mess, Jesus continued to break through the darkness to reach this girl who was Christian in name only and so lost. I was incredibly lonely and empty throughout my life and had bought into the lies that the world can fill the void and satisfy. Thankfully, Jesus got through to me! So here I am, airing out a long laundry list of sins I had previously hoped would never see the light of day, hoping to show that there is satisfaction and wholeness, but not in the world. It is found in no one else but Jesus. I wish I had learned this years ago! It’s been one crazy journey, many decades of God chasing after me while preserving my life until I was shaken from my lie-induced slumber. I am so thankful that He never gave up on me!
Psalm 107:9 “For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.”
John 6:35 “Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.”
Colossians 3:2 “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.”
Romans 8:6 “The mind of the flesh is death, but the mind of the Spirit is life and peace.”
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 9-10 “Don’t you know that those doing such things have no share in the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who live immoral lives, who are idol worshipers, adulterers or homosexuals—will have no share in his Kingdom. Neither will thieves or greedy people, drunkards, slanderers, or robbers. 11 There was a time when some of you were just like that but now your sins are washed away, and you are set apart for God; and he has accepted you because of what the Lord Jesus Christ and the Spirit of our God have done for you.”
Romans 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.”
Ezekiel 36:26 “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.“
Psalm 51:10 “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.”
Psalm 119:11 “I have hidden Your word in my heart that I might not sin against You.”
Philippians 4:7 “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
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