“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.” John 3:17
Although each subject in this series has been uncomfortable to discuss, by baring all my skeletons, perhaps my shared life experiences will bring encouragement to someone, that no matter what our history or trauma, there is hope. No matter what our weakness, we have a friend in Jesus who did not come to condemn or accuse, but to save.
If you have tried everything in your life, but nothing is working, and you feel like a failure, don’t! Our righteousness is found in Jesus, as He did it all. If you tried church and that provided no help, been there, done that, got the tee shirt. If family was no help or was the source of betrayal, I can relate! But hear me out. There is hope. This is coming from someone who ran to men, women, drugs, and alcohol, trusting no one, and insisting on doing things my way, even after being baptized …twice! It was not until decades later, and a third baptism, that I was delivered from demonic oppression and demonic inhabitation. Let me explain…
Trauma and Spiritual Doorways
If you have a colorful history like mine and feel like damaged goods, don’t. You may have heard before that it’s common for those who have been abused or experienced childhood trauma to have tendencies toward same sex attraction. I certainly was not the exception. Well, did you know that there’s a connection between childhood abuse and trauma, and how such experiences are entry points in the realm of the spiritual for things to transfer, generationally or otherwise, to build strongholds? Think about it. We are body and spirit. The two are intertwined. We can go our entire lives not realizing that we are being steered and driven. And we beat ourselves up, wondering why we continually fail in efforts to change our lives. Track with me.
Scripture speaks of sin-induced generational curses being passed down “till the 3rd and 4th generation”. When I first read that, I questioned why God would allow such. Yes, I have done a lot of questioning and blaming God in my life, not understanding. First off, Adam and Eve ushered sin into the world, so we have been born into their fallen nature under the power of sin. And secondly, if we keep reading, we will discover multiple places where this verse is repeated but further explained (with a whole chapter dedicated to such in Ezekiel 18). God had stated “till the 3rd and 4th generation of those that hate Me“. What is it to hate God? Willful persistant or continuous defiant sin. So this curse is in effect for such a timeframe unless there is a change of heart defined by the act of turning from and repenting of the sin or sins that initiated the generational curse.
Ok, so we are already under the power of sin through our first parents. So why would God make this statement? To remind us of the severity of sin and its consequences. To warn us that our actions could greatly affect our children and their children for generations, until somewhere down the line, they turn from the tendencies passed down, breaking the chain and curse that went with that sin. Our Heavenly Father cautioned us in an effort to make us slow down and count the cost. And if we keep reading, we will see that though we are born into a fallen nature, He is merciful and so gracious as to bless those who love Him for “a thousand generations.” (Deut 7:9) Of course, to love God is to love His character and ways, and to follow Him in a life that reflects a true heart change, avoiding wilful, habitual persistant sin the best we can. We keep God’s commands because we love Him, want to be like Him, and don’t wish to hurt Him. Things can be broken off.
A Child Led Into Sin
Scripture says that above all else, we need to guard our hearts, as everything in life flows from it. (Prov 4:23) So true! Mental fantasy started early on in life as a way to escape my world of verbal, mental, physical, and sexual abuse in a one-parent household. With many sexual abuse victims, grooming starts at a very young age, and at the same time such are deprived of parental love and affection. And in extreme cases, many victims are further isolated from extended family and are forbidden to have friends. Unfortunely that tends to make us associate love and craved attention with sex. A distorted view of love with no healthy frame of reference for what love actually is. And this is what I experienced, to the extreme.
By the time I was set free from captivity, with the history of sexual abuse and being used in the manner of a breeder, mental fantasy progressed into a porn addiction. Fading were my morals and memories of reading the Bible as a child. And as my conscience became seared, there reached a point in my life where I thought nothing of my secret attraction to women, along with other unhealthy fantasies.
Then, one day, after my boyfriend and I were out having some drinks, a mutual female friend joined us, and on the way home, she started kissing me. Not only did I allow it, but I also continued once we got home. And I went on to initiate it on another occasion following that evening. Though it ended with that, as far as real-life encounters, I would continue to engage in mental fantasies. It really is true that what we entertain in our hearts will eventually pour out and shape our world. I went looking for love in all the wrong places and jumped from person to person. That led to unfaithfulness. Then to repeated acts of adultery. I was out of control!
Through all this, God was trying to get my attention, but I had become numb to sin and hardened. He even tried to shake me awake, so to speak, to let me see what I was letting in through spiritual doorways, as one day I got to witness a manifestation in the physical of an entity actually entering my bedroom window. It had long tenticules, as what I now know to be a Marine Spirit. You would think that with that hovering and gliding right past me, I would start to question my behavior and my drifting further and further from God. But nope. I had forgotten an encounter I had with God back in my mid-teens, when He showed up bringing comfort in response to a desperate prayer following a suicide attempt. I had forgotten that He is the source of goodness. Then God showed up to answer a prayer of distress in 2012, with the message being “it’s time to close doors”. Though the encounter was mind-blowing with other individuals to witness, my heart was still hard.
Surrendering to Jesus
It took over three decades of God pursuing me to wake up. For me to be open to truly receiving Jesus. I exhausted every avenue of trying to fix myself without fully surrendering to Him. But I couldn’t change. I kept repeating cyclic behavior that nearly ruined my marriage. The power of sin is real! Only Jesus can break it and set us free from its control over us. I resisted God for so long, fearing the worst.
But little did I know that I was resisting all that is good. I did not realize all those years that to surrender to Jesus is like surrendering to true love. Surrendering to Him is surrendering to His peace, inner healing, rest for our souls, genuine happiness, divine guidance, His protection, and more. I had no idea what I was missing out on! Don’t be scared to let Jesus in. Don’t let the thought of Him being Lord over your life deter you! I promise you, it’s not what you imagine. Jesus is kind. He’s wonderful! You will desire Him to fill every space, daily!
Putting Off the Old Nature in Christ Jesus
That being said, when we finally give up doing things our way, Jesus is right at the door waiting. But we have to welcome Him in. It’s a partnership and relationship that He desires. And once we invite Jesus to be our Lord and Savior, He gifts us with His Holy Spirit to empower us. At that moment, our spirit is regenerated, and then the process of sanctification in our soul starts, to make us look more and more like the image of Jesus. In Him we are no longer bound.
Not only do we receive power from the Holy Spirit to overcome, but we also operate through His power with the Believer’s Authority, as, in Christ Jesus, the enemy is under our feet! “You will trample down lions and snakes, fierce lions and poisonous snakes. God says, “I will save those who love me and will protect those who acknowledge me as Lord. When they call to me, I will answer them; when they are in trouble, I will be with them. I will rescue them and honor them. (Psalm 91:13-15)
Because of Jesus’ sacrifice, where He defeated the power of sin and eternal death, we can do all things through Him. (Phil 4:13) It’s not us, it’s Him! He forgives our past, takes our burdens, and does not hold things over our heads. Even in conviction during the gradual “pruning” process, He is kind and loving. As we grow in relationship with Him, actively seeking to know Him in His word, His ways, and character, we put things on the altar, trusting in God’s word to take our burdens. We exercise our faith and believe that it’s already done. Some things are removed instantly, and other things He works with us to change. Trust in Him. While God did break off some things for me right away, I have found that as I stay in His word, my desire for Him grows as everything else fades. I just want to please Him and allow Him to transform me.
Only Jesus was able to set me free from a laundry list of things holding me hostage. Only Jesus filled every void and satisfied every longing. Only Jesus delivered this soul held in bondage under demonic oppression …and yes, there was a casting out! Only Jesus was able to change my outlook, thoughts, attitude, and behavior. So much has changed during this past year and a half of actively seeking Him. He holds all power. And is that good!! Rest in Him.
Prayer of Repentance
Father God, I come to you in repentance for sins I have made a lifestyle. I have tried every which way to overcome. Only you can deliver me! I repent for my sins and ask that you forgive me. Thank you, Jesus, for your blood that washes me clean. Thank you for saving and helping me! In Jesus name. Amen.
Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Ephesians 3:20 “Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us.”
Mark 10:27 “Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God. For all things are possible with God.”
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