In going more in-depth with my testimony, I had previously done segments on thoughts and actions – the power of words and how they affected and shaped my life. But I wanted to peel back yet another layer of my life on this subject, as while it is along the same lines, this one might not be as obvious to some as an issue with its hidden dangers and what could stem from it. There is nothing wrong with a healthy imagination as some experts say creativity relies on imagination.
But as with anything else, there’s a fine line between having a healthy imagination and the slippery slope of nurturing an offshoot of such to levels of reliance, as the world of fantasy becomes addictive to the point that it can get out of control, leading to a corrupted and perverse mind.
Going back to my early childhood, I had been groomed, which made me an easy target, foundationally speaking, for the imagination to descend and spin off into something unhealthy and spiritually deficit. As with all sin, it seemingly starts as something fairly innocent. Even when convicted as a possible issue, it’s easy to dismiss that notion, replacing conviction with justification, feeling it’s being done for the right reasons; a legitimate form of self-preservation with necessity being the next step in progression.
Being all sin is progressive; indulging in mental fantasies can easily evolve into a coping mechanism or crutch to deal with reality. And, by all appearances, seems innocent enough, as after all, it’s only internalized and provides a degree of relief. A relief that we trick ourselves into thinking is safely contained within our minds and can never come to any harm. Not to ourselves or others. Much less damage to our spiritual life or endanger our souls.
My background involves levels of abuse that injured and stunted my mental state earlier on in life, long before I was removed from school through abduction. Being abandoned by one parent, quite literally, and left unprotected and at the mercy of one who was not legally allowed to raise me due to his history of harm to children, deepened the trauma and further paved the way for me to turn inward, looking for ways to comfort myself as there was no level of external nurturing in the environment I was trapped in.
Given my other testimony clips in this series, it should be very apparent that I allowed something to get the better of me to lead where it did. The devil tries to imitate God as he is not original and has nothing new to bring to the table. God, the Author of Life and Love, in His great mercy and grace, works to draw us unto Himself even though sin separates us from Him. His goal is to restore us unto Himself unto eternal life.
The devil, the father of lies, works using the allurement of sin to draw us away from God and life everlasting, to instead share a fate ending in despair and death with him and his angels. And he uses the same old lie he did from the beginning with our first parents, “You shall not surely die” if you taste the fruit of sin. “It’s harmless.” “You can be your own god, creating whatever future you desire in choosing your own path in disobedience to God.” And, “don’t believe God when He says it leads to death.” “God is Love and wouldn’t allow such a thing.”
Yes, He is Love and the Author of it, and He wants the foundation of His Kingdom to be love. Agape love. The purest form of selfless love. A look at Jesus’ teachings and life reveals that truth. We can’t walk away from the Source of Life itself and expect to have life apart from Him. Though He wants our love, He allows all to choose for themselves.
It’s easy to get caught up in our lives with short-term vision wrapped up in the here and now. And it’s easy to become blinded in sin and fool ourselves into thinking that God won’t say, “Enough already”. God prefers to have a free-will, trusting love relationship with us where we obey Him built on that. He wants our hearts.
Does God need anything? No. He’s sovereign and self-sufficient. But He created us and longs for us. We were created to be His family. I heard the following said on Loudmouth Prayer with Marty Grisham speaking of God, “He’s a love God and you were created to be His love child.”
Though He is all-powerful and the Creator of the universe, He does not want a relationship founded on force. He is incredibly patient, but keep in mind that there are a lot of free will choices being carried out by humanity, wrongs, and evil done to those innocent. Do we expect Him to ignore that, allowing such lawlessness to go on just because He is Love? Obviously not.
So where did it start with me? With the foundation laid in early childhood, I was a prime target – groomed and incredibly lonely, lacking parental love, and forbidden to have friends. I ended up submersing myself in romantic novels at around age 9. It drew me further and further from God and how I had been reading the Bible. The enemy is always seeking to steal, kill, and destroy to prevent the building of a personal relationship with God and to steal our blessings …trying to pluck the seeds planted in the reading of God’s Word.
Unfortunately, these unhealthy thought patterns paved the way to the breaking down of who I was created to be, and instead, I was led to the next step in sin’s progression of desires materializing which all started as a way to just feel loved and wanted. Before I knew it, upon entering my teens, my virginity was lost. How? I had been intentionally placed into a twisted situation by my dad, with his every intention of my getting pregnant. I eventually caved.
Though threatened over it with disgusting words (that I won’t repeat) with how I better let the individual get me pregnant, and a mock marriage ceremony to further manipulate this lonely teen (coupled with sexual innuendos), I could have found a way to fight off and avoid the guy he put in my bedroom to stay. With that, my purity was lost as I entered into the next level of sexual immorality, opening doors that would only lead to emptiness void of true love. By the time Dad brought the second guy home to stay in my bedroom, my shields were already lowered. I was set on the wrong path, and I took the bait!
And that is how the evil one works. He sets us up and then lures us. Then, he sits back and watches us bring condemnation on ourselves to further the divide and separation from God. By the time I was set free from captivity, I had given in too many times to the fleshly desires that were sparked by mental fantasy. The stronghold had been established and I would continue with things like watching soap operas which progressed into watching porn. Eventually, I looked for love in the wrong places, wandering through life like a candle in the wind. If left unchecked and not corrected, there is always a progression with sin.
Regardless of how my inner life of mental fantasies was conceived and birthed, I am the poster child of the dangers of allowing oneself to be caught up and then driven into living for self in excess to fill the void. And, looking back, it’s easy to see the progression of sin and the devil’s trap where I become a slave to it. Ultimately, I hope that my life experiences serve as a fair warning but also transcend as a message of hope that is found in Christ Jesus. My life is living proof that trauma and its aftermath does not have to end in shame, guilt, or hopelessness.
Jesus reached into the depths of my darkness and removed the pain and loneliness that were deeply intertwined into the core of my being and that had all but extinguished hope for a fulfilling future. He is our living hope. He is our future. He binds up the brokenhearted. By His stripes, we are healed. He restores our soul. He is Love, and love covers a multitude of sins. Jesus fills the void with His love and comfort and makes us whole. He truly is my rescue story! Where would I be without Him?
“But each one is tempted when by his own evil desires he is lured away and enticed. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” James 1:14-15
“And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.” Genesis 6:5
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think on these things.” Philippians 4:8
“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your former way of life, your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be renewed in the spirit of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:22-24
“So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh craves what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are opposed to each other, so that you do not do what you want.” Galatians 5:16-17
“Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its desires.” Romans 6:12
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