“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” John 10:10
Life’s a classroom, they say. For me, I have had a pattern of learning everything the hard way. Whether or not my troubled upbringing had anything to do with it, being released into the world inexperienced and naive due to extreme isolation, I do not know. But it certainly did not help! As I look back, I find it ironic that physical captivity graduated into spiritual bondage. It would be some 30 years later that I would be set free through a Deliverance Ministry. Why three decades? Because the devil is a liar and a deceiver. And while the enemy does not force us to sin, he sure sets the stage, working every angle, through every weakness, “prowling around like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour”. (1 Peter 5:8)
So here I was, set free—an 11-year-old in an 18-year-old body, and with a 5th-grade education. As one can imagine, I was lost, fearful, and angry. What I did not realize was that, though I felt betrayed and robbed growing up, God never failed me. Hindsight is 20/20. Now I can see His footprints as He walked beside me. He helped me get my GED and gave me favor with the instructors who recommended me for a full college scholarship (which, while I was offered, I did not accept out of insecurity and fear).
He also helped me, giving favor in getting an inexpensive place to live. God blessed me in getting a steady job, where I was given favor to choose my own schedule, and where I was always approached with promotions. But that’s not all! He also worked in mysterious ways to line up and provide 100% of the finances to purchase a new car. And even though I was not living right, more and more going against the dictates of my conscience, God was my gracious Heavenly Father who truly did provide and care for me.
When Everything Fell Apart
Sadly, I did not recognize God’s hand, nor did I appreciate all that I had. I had chosen the world. Though I called myself a Christian, it was surface-level…I became shallow and a hypocrite. By no stretch of the imagination did I follow Christ’s example! I had become like those I resented. Those who raised me. Of course, now I know something had influenced them, so they are forgiven. “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” (Eph 6:12) The enemy works through deception to make us willing vessels for spiritual strongholds, and after almost a decade of unchristian behavior, my world was changing.
Ever pressed your luck till one day it caught up with you? I had reached a tipping point, and in a matter of a few months, my world came crashing down. I was losing everything. Gone were the days of church-going and seeking after God. He had not abandoned me. But I had abandoned Him. Long gone were the days of caring about what God thought or wanted. I had forgotten an encounter I had with Him during my teens when I desperately needed love and compassion, just someone to be there for me. In response to a desperate cry, He was there, and I felt His presence. But now I was changing into someone many would not recognize as I became increasingly unreliable and unstable, living recklessly and without conscience.
Reaping What I Sowed
I went from having a solid job that enabled me to live independently without the additional support of a roommate. I went from having a new car and a decent life to living aimlessly with practically nothing to my name and nothing to show for my hard work. I had committed adultery, following a failed marriage. With a sexually immoral life as the new norm, I had left one boyfriend who had proposed to me and moved on with another, overlapping relationships and getting pregnant …by one of them. I wasn’t sure whose. The guy I had left the other one for made it very clear that he did not want to have a baby with me, and made sure the child was aborted. My mom had shockingly taken her life. And my dad was sentenced to over 40 years in prison.
My life was turning into a train wreck! I uprooted myself without much of a game plan and moved to a different city without a job lined up. During this life transition, I was involved in two car accidents …so much for my new car! And, my new live-in boyfriend was cheating on me pretty much from day one, being out all hours of the night. It was as if all I had done to others was coming back on my own head.
So here I was, living in a new area that was double the cost of living. I started cleaning houses and doing other odd jobs. But then I sank to a new low. Though I had what I needed, eventually I started taking money that was left out at the homes of my clients, a couple of quarters at a time, at first …at multiple homes. Then I took a shirt from a really good regular customer after they were nice enough to give me extra house-sitting work while they were on vacation. It made no sense whatsoever why I would risk my job and reputation and violate trust like that. And for what? Toll money? In the midst of this self-induced storm, I started to have worse bouts of debilitating depression, so bad that I would not show up to work. As I said, I was becoming someone unrecognizable and increasingly unreliable, even to the point of turning down solid work opportunities that would greatly expand my own business into something thriving.
Desperately Needing God
What I needed was to return to seeking after God. He was the only one who made sense in my life and the only one who was truly there for me. I had no idea how real the battle was! The subtle ways we are lured by every flavor temptation, and how each leads to a spiritual door being opened. How every action is tied to a principality. That’s why it’s critical to guard our hearts above all else, as that’s where our future starts. (Prov 4:23) No one explained to me about the spiritual warfare we are in, and how the enemy gains legal access to build strongholds, bring chaos and unrest, and heavy oppression. I got to experience firsthand how the enemy works to unravel our lives and strip us of all the blessings God has given to us, and how actively the devil works to prevent the blessings God intends to give.
God’s Patience and Grace
Though God was gracious and merciful to preserve me throughout my mess, such a lifestyle of habitual sin placed a wedge in-between to where I felt such indescribable loneliness and emptiness, not realizing that it was Him that I was missing and needing. Though God took every measure to reach and draw me unto Himself, I had to allow Him in because it’s a two-way street He wants. He won’t accept the kind of “relationship” that’s based on pressure and warped fear (versus a healthy respect and reverential-based fear/awe). It has to be based on love. He won’t let go until we absolutely make it clear that we don’t want Him. But there’s no coercion or force. And if you turn and run back to God, He is waiting with open arms! This reminds me of a beautiful parable of the prodigal son that Jesus told. Worth a read! (Luke 15:11-32)
Once I started searching to know Him, learning about His character and the lengths our Creator went to save His creation, and how He adopts us as His children, and makes us co-heirs with Christ Jesus, I started to see a different side of God. Yes, I was starting to love Him as a child, but then I experienced so much pain, suffering, and betrayal by those who should have loved me the most, that my view of God became warped. Once I let God in, He started to reverse the damage done to restore what the enemy had stolen. Only through Jesus can the impossible be done to bring deep inner healing and transformation to make all things new. (Rev 21:5) He gives us this promise in His word. And our Heavenly Father always keeps His word.
Leave a Reply