I’m taking clips of my testimony to go a little deeper to show what Jesus has saved me from. I’m going to just start by saying that I lived a lifetime of darkness, and it took forever for me to come to Christ. I pressed my luck in waiting! I desperately needed saving as I was sinking lower and lower in sin. Suffice it to say I was lost. Blown about by the winds as they would say.
To give those who are new to my website a glimpse into my ever-progressing depravity, I shared in Part 2 how I had committed adultery and how, after falling into cyclic behavior of adultery and sexual immorality, my life started unraveling.
Also, I had shared how God was trying to get my attention by opening my eyes to see into the spiritual realm, where I saw an entity come through my window as a result of my adultery. You would think that that would have woken me up!
Matthew 13:14-15 comes to mind where Jesus was explaining how the hearts of some were hardened in sin where they would choose not to see or hear the truth; “You will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving. For this people’s heart has grown callous; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts, and turn, and I would heal them.”
There is scripture that does warn that eventually, God gives people over to their own choices so as to not force Himself. It’s not a hardness that God initiates, it’s the preexisting condition of their own heart where they refuse to heed convictions and turn. So according to their own heart, He backs off and allows them to continue in their own sinful desires.
So here I was, in a relationship, yet out dating before that one was ended. And then he proposed in front of his family. I had gotten myself into such a mess! It was also somewhere around this time that my mother took her own life and my dad went to prison. So yeah, my life was falling apart.
I left a stable job, left an affordable area where I had my own apartment, and just upped and moved out of town without a game plan. I was becoming more and more mentally unstable and unreliable. I was starting to reap what I sowed.
So I ended up moving on with the new guy I had met, and before you know it, I was pregnant. The thing was, I had no symptoms. No nausea. And it was within the window of crossover between relationships. I had no idea whose. I figured it was my new boyfriend’s, as there were irresponsible times during drug-filled parties and whatnot. Not someone you would want to take home to meet your mother.
I was falling further and further from the days of reading the Bible and seeking God. By this time, I was so blinded by my sin and ignoring my conscience that I could not see that the problem was me. My choices. I was the common denominator in all my failed situations. I first fell into lust of the flesh, seeking love and comfort, but all I got out of it was shame and bitter fruit. I was reaping sin’s reward.
Matt 7:16-20 “By their fruit you will recognize them. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17 Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 So then, by their fruit you will recognize them.”
Thankfully, there is hope! Matt 12:33 speaks of the tree in the light of having a change of heart and turning, taking the gracious opportunity that God gives. “Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is known by its fruit.” So, there is an opportunity for change.
Romans 9:22 shows a similar picture with vessels of wrath prepared for destruction. But then in 2 Tim 2:19-22 we see that there is hope even with these vessels of wrath when there is a change of heart in turning back to God; “Nevertheless, God’s firm foundation stands, bearing this seal: “The Lord knows those who are His,” and, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord must turn away from iniquity.”
20 A large house contains not only vessels of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay. Some indeed are for honorable use, but others are for common use. 21 So if anyone cleanses himself of what is unfit, he will be a vessel for honor: sanctified, useful to the Master, and prepared for every good work. 22 Flee from youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, together with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.”
The crazy thing is, there was no instance of gratifying the old nature that was satisfying. And when something is not fulfilling, it’s not long before you’re off looking for the next thing in trying to fill the emptiness. So here I was. Someone who was an adulterer. A liar …because you can’t do that without having to cover up. Someone who was sexually immoral. And someone unfaithful. A bad tree. A vessel of wrath. But even through all that, God has been so good and long-suffering with me.
2 Peter 3:9-10, “9 The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise as some understand slowness, but is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish but everyone to come to repentance. 10 But the Day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar, the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and its works will be laid bare.”
Isaiah 55:6-7 says, “Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake their ways and the unrighteous their thoughts. Let them turn to the LORD, and He will have mercy on them, and to our God, for He will freely pardon.”
Acts 3:19, “Repent then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.”
Fast forward to now, my experiences during these past 9 months in seeking God and getting to know Him better, that He heals and fills every void. I had searched everywhere for love and comfort, but Jesus is Love. I couldn’t see that He was the answer. I was unfaithful, but Jesus never was. And though I had hurt and grieved Him so much, and forever ran from surrendering to Him, I look back now and see that decades were wasted without Him.
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