So up to this point, I have been unpacking my life of addiction, adultery, unforgiveness, and sexual immorality with its link to suicide and soul ties. I had also shared how God was trying to get my attention by opening my eyes to see into the spiritual realm, of what I was allowing into my life, where I saw an entity come through my window as a result of my continued adulterous behavior. You would think that that would have woken me up!
A Heart Hardened by Sin
Matthew 13:14-15 comes to mind, where Jesus was explaining how the hearts of some were hardened in sin, where they would choose not to see or hear the truth: “You will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving. For this people’s heart has grown callous; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise, they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts, and turn, and I would heal them.”
Scripture warns that eventually, God gives people over to their own choices, as in Him backing off to honor freedom of choice. It’s not a hardness that God initiates; it’s the preexisting condition of their own heart where they refuse to heed convictions and turn. And this, regrettably, described my life. As much as it hurts God’s heart to see the downward path we are on and what we will go through because of it, God does not force Himself on us. He will continue to knock on our hearts from time to time, but is a gentleman.
My Life Falls Apart – Known By Our Fruit
Here I was, in a live-in relationship, yet out dating before that one was ended. And then the unexpected happened. He proposed in front of his family, and out of cowardice, cracking under pressure, I said yes. I had gotten myself into such a mess! It was also somewhere around this time that my mother took her own life just months before our first planned vacation. And if all that was not enough to overwhelm, around the same time, my dad went to spend his remaining life in prison.
To make matters worse, I ended up moving in with the new guy I had been cheating with, and before you know it, I was pregnant. I am embarrassed to admit that I don’t even remember the timeline accurately, except to say it was within the window of crossover between relationships. Yep. I had no idea whose baby! I figured it was my new boyfriend’s, as there were irresponsible times during drug-filled parties and whatnot. My life was unraveling, fast!
Reaping What I Sowed
I was starting to reap what I sowed, in thoughts, words, and actions. Being the spiritual is intertwined with the physical (we are body and spirit), all worked together to shape a reality, mangled and warped from years of spiritual and physical recklessness. Spiritual blindness accompanied by a calloused heart produced behaviour that was out of character, even for me. I became increasingly mentally unstable and unreliable. Without a solid game plan or a job lined up, I left a long-time stable job and an affordable area where I had my own apartment, and just upped and moved out of town.
My drifting further and further away from the days of reading the Bible and seeking after God left me in a state of spiritual bankruptcy. And that bankruptcy had started to manifest in the physical. I could not see that the problem was me and how my choices were the common denominator in all these failed situations. I first fell into lust of the flesh, seeking love and comfort. But all I got out of it was a life turned upside down. I was in a battle I could not win, cluelessly up against multiple spirits operating behind the scenes. And without God, I didn’t stand a chance against their schemes and tactics to lead me on their destructive path.
God’s Patience and Mercy
Matt 7:16-20 shows a scary scenario, “By their fruit you will recognize them. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. So then, by their fruit you will recognize them.”
But then, as we read on, we see there is hope! Matt 12:33 speaks of the tree in the light of having a change of heart unto repentance. “Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is known by its fruit.” This reflects our freewill choices shaping our future. So, there is an opportunity for change!
In Romans 9:22, another fearful analogy shows a similar picture with vessels of wrath prepared for destruction. Nineveh comes to mind in how it was prepared for destruction as its “cup of iniquity” was full. But, because God desires mercy over judgment, He sent the Prophet Jonah to warn them. They could have been offended at the warning and responded in further rebellion, but they recognized the warning as an act of mercy. And in response, the nation as a whole repented, turned, and was saved.
Regarding the vessels of wrath, hope emerges as shown in 2 Tim 2:20-22, where we see mercy that accompanies a change of heart in turning back to God in genuine repentance. “A large house contains not only vessels of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay. Some indeed are for honorable use, but others are for common use. So if anyone cleanses himself of what is unfit, he will be a vessel for honor: sanctified, useful to the Master, and prepared for every good work. Flee from youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, together with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.”
Jesus: The Answer I Was Searching For
The thing is, there was no instance of gratifying the old nature that was soul-satisfying. And when something is not fulfilling a need, it’s not long before we’re off looking for the next thing in trying to fill the looming emptiness. So here I was. Someone who was sexually immoral and an adulterer. I was someone habitually unfaithful. A liar too …because you can’t do all that without having to cover up. I was a bad tree. A vessel of wrath. But even so, I was not turned away by God or looked down on by Him.
Fast forward, during my experiences these past nine months in seeking God, I have finally found rest and freedom in Him. I had searched everywhere for internal peace, lasting love, and comfort, but Jesus is the Person of Love. I couldn’t see that He was the answer. I was unfaithful, but Jesus never was. And though I had hurt and grieved Him so much, and forever ran from surrendering to Him, I look back now and see how decades were wasted without Him. How can I express His goodness and how He truly satisfies? You have to find out for yourself. There is no one else like my Jesus!
“For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” Luke 19:10
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